Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Cuz he likes herrrrr...but she likes Cartoons (Weezy Voice)

In Today's world of Myspace predators, child traffickers and other shady individuals looking to cloud the morals of your little sunshine, its a wonder that parents even let their children outside of the house. While we all know to educate our children, little brothers, and especially our little sisters, of the dangers associated with talking to strangers and older men, we often forget that these same rules apply even into their teenage years. I cannot tell you how many times I became frustrated in middle school upon seeing the baddest (and i mean that in a good way) 12 and 13 year old girls leaving school to hop in a car with some 17 or 18 year old who told them they "act mature" for their age. Maybe I was a bit of a hater at the time, but I was damn sure intelligent enough to know that these older men were not soliciting these little girls for their stimulating conversation or views of the world. They wanted to beat it up! Joe Jackson that ass...Chris brown that p***y...I think you get the point. Nevertheless, every afternoon at 3:00pm these baby chickenheads (or shall we call them chicklets) made religious pilgrimage to the crowd of licence toting loiterers, and while they often ended up on their knees, it damn sure wasn't for a prayer meeting. If the R-Kelly DVD Hi-definition Porn Mixtape has taught us anything people, remember this...the world is full of freaky ass grown-up perverts and tongue-ringed 12 year old freaks in training...the key, my friends, is to keep them away from each other.

How do you keep perverts away from the nasty little girls you see getting pregnant at 12 (on purpose)? You start by finding out why young girls fall for these slime balls and then you send their asses to the convent! JK. It is a well known fact that it is only by listening to R-Kelly Lyrics that one can tell exactly how 'at risk' your child is for ending up on the Maury povich show.

I'm on your heels Robert Kelly! I figured out your dirty little subliminal message secret (no homo). Enjoy the analysis...

He likes Herrrrr...But She likes Cartoons:

How R-Kelly Songs can foreshadow inappropriate Adult-Child behavior

10. "Sex in the Kitchen, over by the stove, lay you on the counter, by the buttered rolls" --Sex in the Kitchen

Is your child in culinary school? Does she like to cook? If you answered yes to either of these questions, I would keep a close eye on her male teachers and make sure she doesn't have a "mentor." While this may simply be her own epicurean nature or fondness for all things culinary, I would be suspicious if she develops an affinity for 'Tossed salads." LOL

9. "You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it, something like my sound, I wanna pump it, Girl you look just my car, I wanna wax it, somethin like my bank account, I wanna spend it" -You Remind me of my Jeep

I'm sure you are aware that younger girls love the chance to date a man with wheels thereby circumventing the difficult and often painstaking task of asking their parents for a ride. The problem with this is that most older men interested in giving little girls rides, are not all too concerned with the destination...if you know what I mean. If you see the car parked outside for too long, you better do the policeman flashlight on the window knock and make sure the sound is the only thing pumpin.

8. "Then after the show its the (after party)And after the party its the (hotel lobby)And round about 4 you gotta (clear the lobby)Then head take it to the room and f*** somebody" -Ignition Remix

If you allow your teenage daughter to attend an afterparty, or agree to pick her up from a hotel when you hear R-Kelly music in the background, you are an idiot and need to be slapped with a stale semen soaked jizz rag. That is all.

7. "She got some micros, she got a weave wrap, she got it locked up I can smell the beeswax. Now let me pull ya hair (pull ya hair)..." -Pull your Hair

Lets hope for both our sakes that your daughter is tenderheaded and doesn't like getting her hair braided. If she gets her hair braided every week and casually says things like "oh, it doesn't hurt" or "I'm used to it" start checking her room for R-Kelly CDs.

6. "Hold up, didn't I just give you money to go get yo hair, toes, and nails done the other day? Hmm..yo ass was smilin then......REAL TALK..." -Real Talk

This one is as obvious as a black person at a Black Eyed Peas concert. Ladies...If your little girl has no job, yet manages to keep a manicure and pedicure fresher than yours, you have one of two scenarios playing out. Either your daughter is hooking (aka on the corner selling fruit cocktail) or shes got an older man. Summer jobs don't pay like they used to, and with teenagers spending all their money on Jordan Hybrids, no one under age 25 is splurging on airbrushed nails for their pre-teen cutie. It's the truth.

5. "Got a sweet tooth for you girl, baby I'm tempted to taste...I can't wait to drink your milk, your looking like a big whole piece of cake...I'm all up in your middle, oooh it taste like skittles..." -Sweet Tooth

Is your child's myspace or AIM name something like "candeeegirl", "sweetiepie", "Ms.Skittles" or "yumyum"? If so, you better get her a chastity belt, break her Ipod and tell her she can catch something from letting guys "taste the rainbow." LOL. No more R & B for you...ya nasty!

4." Hairbraider ... I'm doin my hairbraider...And she do my hair so good that I'm gonna tip her...The way she strip for me, I gotta tip her" -Hair Braider

If your daughter braids hair, a.) make sure she comes home with the proper amount of money (not too much), b.) find out exactly who's hair she is braiding, and c.) match up the type of braids requested with an approximate time frame. F**k what you male hairstyle takes all night!

3. 'This is my song for real, no doubt...Said the DJ's making me feel thugged out,..As I walk you to the dance floor, we begin to dance slow, put your arms around me, I'm feelin' on your booty." -Feelin on yo Booty

Keep an eye on your sweetheart at those school dances, especially if she's thicker than a phonebook. Watch out for the thugs hanging around your house and if at all possible exercise you 2nd amendment right to bear arms and take a pop shot at one of those lil niglets. They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but some booty in the hand (especially if you are at a prom and old enough to chaperon it) should be worth a good parental ass whoopin.

2. "Step up out the club with a dizzy head, I got two chicks both got dizzy legs...I'm about to double up, You know I'm about to double up..." -Double Up

You may trust your daughter wholeheartedly, however, that does not mean you can trust her ditsy ass, open legged friend. Birds (especially chickenheads) of a feather flock together. If she or her best friend, when asked their age, say something like "together we're 34," they are prime candidates for a R-Kelly threesome. You better tell them b***hes...old men have worms!

1. "lets go half on a baby, all I need is your body next to me " -Half on a Baby

This is probably the worst and biggest indicator that not only have you lost your innocent little child to the hands of a child predator with malintent, but that you may also not be able to get her back. If you child is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or thinks pregnancy is just an excuse to get more gifts and attention from their new found man-friend, you must immediately slap the bejesus pigeonshit out of her. Soon enough she'll be faced with the harsh reality that she was just used for her body and mind raped by empty promises of gifts and a happy family. While of course it is important that you support her during this time, you must also let a few things be known...there will be no more listening to R-Kelly, and If I catch that old ass Ni**a around, he'll be going half on a cell with another statutory rapist.

Although I insert my own particular brand of twisted humor within the social commentary which is this blog, do not think that I am a heartless individual devoid of feeling. While I may be unapologetic and misogynistic, I believe that children are a natural resource to be protected (before then turn into the vilest of chickenheads and perpetual no-homo users of the world.) This being said...OLD MEN, KEEP YOUR GRUBBY ASS HANDS OFF OUR KIDS! True Story.

Live, Love, MILFs & Cougars

Sho-Show (no homo)

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