Monday, June 22, 2009

Breasts: An In-Depth Study: Part 1 - A-Cups

Every straight man enjoys breasts. All of us. Every last one. Even gay guys like titties because you can suck them, and it reminds them of....ewww....nevermind. Back to ti*ties...Every single woman has them, to varying degrees of size and shape, and of course every little girl wants them when she grows up. This being said, we Nappy Headed Bros have decided to take on the enormous task of assessing and analyzing all facets of breasts, using the standard convention of bra cup size as our template for talking about those womanly wonders we've loved since birth. C4 and Showrock will be combining forces for the first time within the same thread in this four part series in which we'll be passing the mic (no homo) (so to speak) back and forth, so you know who to direct your anger towards. LET'S GET IT!


Calling Cards of the Slim and the Unfortunate (respectively)

Inexplicably Sexy since 1996

Lovers of the slender, athletic types, these are the breasts of your talent pool. Your volleyball players, supermodels, surfers, soccer players, dancers and the like tend to fall into this category. If a woman's body is the cast of a movie/play, A-Cup breasts definitely play a supporting role rather than the lead. The ensemble works best with long legs, taught midsection, a pretty face and noteworthy hair. These miniature morsels sitting atop the chest creating no cleavage to speak of, but rather a lovely little lady crease that ideally lines up with the one going down the rest of of her torso, combining to sculpt that sexy silhouette you were looking for. Ain't that right?

Yup I still want them gooooodies!

Because honestly, if you're into these kinds of chicks you're not into them for their breasts. You're not a breast man. You love that ensemble. You love that silhouette, that smile, the total package. And therefore you ain't trippin' over these appetizer titties, who can often earn their keep with a good set of nipples, or as I'd like to call them, Equalizers. However, if the nipples are sunken or conclave, you might as well just leave them itty bitty titties alone.

Yeah I was a ballet dancer. In the D.R. Mmmmm.

Which brings us to the down side of a flat-chested woman (some of you are going "that's redundant, n***a! Flat-chested woman = down side!). Cuz to keep it 100, man, a REALLY flat chest, like no curvature whatsoever, can be a little creepy for those of us who don't like feeling like we're violating a minor, no matter how old you actually are, ladies. And if the nipple is conclave too, brother you better hope the ass is OFF THE CHAIN to make up for it, or you MIGHT be a pedophile. I mean, just something to think about.

Nope. Still weird. And you look like an alien.

As I'm sure all of you can tell, the previous few paragraphs were C4's assessment of the sad situation which is an adult life with teenage sized breasts. Showrocka the Blog Monster, as I'm calling myself these days, can not be concerned with 'playing nice' and am going to keep it honest. A-cups: a carptnter's dream...flat as a board and easy to nail. What? I thought that was funny.

Nevertheless, A-cups are the equivalent to a diet soda at a beerfest. While better than not drinking anything at all, these not so aesthetically pleasing mosquito bite ti**ies could not even quench the thirst of a pre-pubescent teen. I don't know about you guys, but I'd definitely prefer a C major to an....errr.....A-flat. Smal breasts are akin to soda with the top off, or a car on four donuts...flat. If you are intesrested in these girls who look like someone ironed their chest and you use the guise of 'liking that athletic type" to justify your disgusting fetish, i have an interesting theory for you.

I do not care how pretty you are, (a fact to which my friends can attest), the smaller your boobs are, the more you look like a man. Teenage boys have flat chests and therefore the flatter your chest is, the more you look like Paul from the Wonder Years. Don't agree? go swallow Seabiscuit's horse semen you pathetic titty hater!

While I'm sure the A's of the world have a terrific time jogging (though it's boring for the rest of us watching) , i can't really see any other advantages to having minerature versions of breasts. I guess if there was an alphabetical Bra sale at the Victoria's secret, you'd be first...I know it's a stretch, but I'm trying here. Tits, while serving their function in everyday sexual activity, have to also be easy on the eyes, and while some large breasts are disgusting, I'd take them over small ones (A-Cups) anyday (other things excluded.)

This being said, I would like to take the time to mention that if the 'cup sizes' started in 1928 were converted to a standard volume measurement, an A cup would be aproximately 8 fluid ounces or 238 millimeters, weighing most likely around half a pound. Few would doubt that an 8 ounce glass of anything other than straight up moonshine or corn liquor hootch would not get you drunk or keep you from being thirsty. Eight ounce cups are for babies, so unless you plan on breastfeeding or hooking up with that cigar smoking baby from Roger rabbit, I suggest you invest in an 'upgrade.' Trade those floor seats in the A-section for something with a mezzanie or balcony. From 30AA to 38A, the realm of A cups can be described as nothing short of unimpressive. If I wanted something that flat I'd opt for Kid's old haircut, or a Mexican woman's mestizo tortilla-flat booty. No offense.

Hope you enjoyed or were thoroughly offended. If neither of the two apply, you are most likely the worst kind of with A-Cups. Sucka!!!!!

Live, Love, A's in the Classroom...not the bedroom


To ya Door, Once more, hope the A's are 34's...


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