Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Bosoms: Part 3: C-Cups

Whether you like them Notoriously B.I.G. or just prefer some "lil C's", (Damn I'm clever), you cannot deny the aesthetic importance of America's average breast size. Yes that's right, all the hormones and sh*t they put in milk combined with .69,.79 and .99 cent tacos have finally caught up with us, as America's average cup size has risen from B to C. God bless America.

No homo...

Despite the fact that I graduated Cum Laude or some sh*t (no homo) we had a saying back in our fraternity house that pretty much got us all through college: "C's get degrees." Now I know you are all thinking how the f**k does this relate to breasts, other than the fact that you can easily hang a graduation cap from each tit individually? Be paitent for a second and let me explain.

Trying on your first C-Cup bra is like getting fitted for your college cap and gown. You've previously viewed others make this transition and have waited all your teenage or adolescent life for this moment in which you become more than a become an extremely hot one.

F**k what ya heard, C-cups make average women attractive and ugly women completely "hoseable." LOL. As a sidenote, to those of you women who say you've never aspired to be the coveted C-cup, I appoligize for my inability to rationalize with small tittied, hairy nippled haters. Like the prestige of a college degree, C cups will help you on job interviews and ensure that employers take a "second look" an your...ummm...resume. Your little brothers and sisters will even look up to you.

If all else fails, just know your built in airbags will make a pretty good diploma stand, or a kickass (white word of the day) Facebook profile pic.

Ok, I'm going to let C4 go hard (no homo) on this post as I can't really hate on C-Cups, and therefore am finding it extremely difficult to be funny and entertaining. I will, however say one last thing...If I could do anything in the world right now, I would construct a flesh cushoned condom made of C-Cup cartilidge and tit f**k the sh*t out of every small tittied heiffer just so they would know what it feels like to have the worlds most coveted knockers across her chest.
Poetic...I know...

Like Her. Well, Ok...I lied. Those are NOT C's. But I like em. LOL.

C4 On C-Cups: The Jordans of Breasts

Yeah I said it. It's true. If titties were kicks, C's would be Air Jordans. The most coveted. You get seen with a fresh pair and damn, people turn heads. It's a beautiful thang. Like the alphabet, when someone says "woman's measurements," the first figures (wink) in your head are 36-24-36, and a C after that first 36 is certainly implied, ya dig!!!

But just like Jordans, everything ain't roses for these heavenly bosoms. First you have these insecure flat-chested lames who hate on you for perfect pair, stick-up kids who wanna jack you for your Jordans (molesters), and countless as***les making cheap counterfeits, driving down prices and diminishing the overall value of your sacred mounds. We call these IMPLANTS. Yes, yes! Like the Burberry Jordan makers Show exposed early in the blog, jealous A-cuppers pay top dollar to replicate the outer appearance of that sexy C. But no! We boobie connoisseurs and Jordan enthusiasts have watched enough porn and strippers to spot the fakers and shame them for their treachery and inherent low self-esteem. For shaaaaaame! And they just don't feel right for anybody. Don't bounce, the women have lost sensation, it's all bad. But I digress.

The other Jordan-like pitfall of the C-cup is you can't be walking around and them s***s is scuffed, son! You will be clowned!

"What do you mean, like a mark on the titty?"

YES, n***a!!! A STRETCH-mark! Eeeeeeeew!!! And this is one of those things the B's have the upper hand on (good look anonymous commenter from yesterday). With time C's will stretch, sag, hang, get that nasty pendulum thing going on like those African villager women from National Geographic with plates in their lips.

And don't even think about walking around in last year's pair once the new ones come out! Is you crazy?!?!?! Ya herb!!! Because of the shorter shelf life of these coveted chest-sneakers, the younger they are the better, ya dig!!! (With 18 being the limit of course, 20 just to be safe, ya heard). B's (aka Air Force Ones) are far more resistent to the scourges of time due to their design and durability (got ya toothbrush? you can rehabilitate them joints repeatedly) so they don't suffer from the same competition of the contemporary. But ladies don't get it twisted. 20 year-old C-cups will ALWAYS beat 30 y/o C-cups, hands down. Gotta have the latest pair out son, don't be slackin' on ya pimpin.

The other "fault" I can find with these All-Star titties is that they tend NOT to accompany a phat ass. They just don't. It's karma. One or the other. Great boobs or great butt. You have to choose. God has decreed it so, to ensure genetic fairness. It's SO rare to see the two come in the same package. I have only seen this up close one time, and God was still fair because the woman He gave these gifts to had a face that looked like it had been set on fire and put out with a baseball bat. B**** looked like she had fought 12 rounds, real talk. But that's why there's doggystyle. But I digress...

Of course I can only hate on C's so much, I love them so dearly. Some of the best breasts of my life have been C's. In fact all the best breasts of my life have been C's. And the lack of ass thing is the calling card of who? WHITE LAAAADIES!!!! (cue black women reading this immediately turn to severe stank face) Yeah. I. Said it. Charge it to the game. Just like you're more likely to find a black woman with a great ass, you're more likely to find a white woman with a great rack (I'll break it down fully in another post to include everybody). And that's fine, ya know. I don't discriminate. But if you like vanilla, and you wanna mix some milk, wit ya cocoa puff, milky milky cocoa puff (no homo) then a C-cup cutie is for YOU, my friend!

Back to the Jordans though. If C-Cup = Jordan, then:

36C = Air Jordan XI, the symbol of the legend during his most vintage time, the beginning of the second 3Peat. Brings a tear to my eye looking at Playboys from the '90s when everybody woman had a 36C. And then when I was "finished" with the magazine I'd go watch the Bulls play the Sonics. Back in the days when I was young I'm not a kid anymore......

34C = Jordan VII. The best ones ever! It's a slim chick with a great rack! How can you hate anything about these?! Women with these? I call them WIVES. I'm drooling right now thinking about a pair of 34C's sitting on top of a pair of Jordan VIIs. The black ones of course....and I JIZZED, IN, MY PANTS.

38C = Championship edition, out right now. You greedy f***. You couldn't decide, you just had to have it all, didn't you? You're an extremist, a glutton. You needed to combine the powers of six different types of shoes. You like big tits regardless of the chick they come on, even if she's a stylistic clusterf***. I can't hate on you. But you're probably really a D-cup man.

32C: Jordan VIII: REALLY skinny girl with a huge rack. FAKE ALERT! Check these twice before you buy these retros, even though they're almost as hot as the VIIs. If they're legit, then God bless you and the chick they came with.

To Ya Door, Once More, in a fresh pair of Black Jordan VIIs,

Live, Love, C's, B.I.G. and college degrees,

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