Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Birf-day Sex

So I just so happened to be browsing my boy's Facebook profile and came across this hilarious picture.

For those of you, and by that I mean most of you, who are not up on the Connecticut slang, the word "sex" is used as a way of saying something looks crazy or is basically a "hot ghetto mess." Ironically, the new "It song" on the radio right now is called Birthday Sex, and ummmmm....yea, the song is straight sex. No I do not mean that this song is good, nor do I mean that playing it will get you a lot of hoodrat p**ssy (though it may)....what I mean is that this song IS sex. Wack. Cawny (corny w/ my East NY accent). Ass. Booty. Now let me tell you why...

Aside from the fact that newcomer and overall decent crooner Jeremih sounds like he's doing his best imitation of the Dream, his debut song lacks merit as the concept of Birthday Sex is some absolute bullshit! Nobody wants sex for their birthday, they want presents!

This being said, I present to you:

Birthday Sex: How to get dumped in less than two pumps

Think I'm lying? Follow the steps below and see if this Birthday rendezvous does not signify the end of your relationship, as well as the beginning of your distaste for corny R & B singers making ridiculous acts seem permissible just because they can sang...yes I said Saaaaang bi**h. It wasn't a typo.

Birthday Sex: 10 Things Not to Do if You actually like Pu**y.

10. Fall into the trap of believing that because your girl loves rhythm and blues music, that you can get away with the same sorts of things that an attractive (no homo) R & B singer can.

Don't forget the fact that you are not a rich singer who can put his nonsensical gibberish to a melodic beat. You may think you are attractive, but the allure of wealth and fame tend to have an effect on women making them forget all their "jealous b**ch," "quintisential hater," and common sensical tendencies. All of these traits will resurface upon a regular ni**a trying to pull some Trey songs, Usher type sh*t. Your response: Well Usher did it. Hers: Ni**a, you aint Urrrr-sher.

9. Commit the sin of actually listening to and internalizing the lyrics of any R & B song post 1996.

R-kelly f**ked the game up by singing so well that he was allowed to do things like Marry a 14 year old and make a song called "you remind me of my jeep" without getting some standards of common decency slapped back into him. By the time "feelin on your booty came out" people were actually getting in fights and shootouts outside of clubs for 'handling the merchandise." Don't follow his lead. All these girls in these videos (including the minor who got peed on) allowed such behavior to go on because they were GETTING PAID. If you want to act out an R & B lyric, please don't let it be from 'Sex in the Kitchen" and try it out on a prostitute first.

8. Think that surprising your girl with Victorias secret lingerie will get her in the mood...

If it is too small she will be depressed that she's a wild hog, and if it's too big, she will assume you think her to be a gigantic wilder beast. Always go with the Gift-card son.

7. Lie to your girl and tell her you have reservations at a fancy restaurant, before surprising her with the actual plan.

Boo-Yao!! You surprised her! Nope. You just prepped her for the ultimate letdown. No Ruth's Chris, P.F. Changs of Sizzler for her. Just Doritos and some birthday sex...classy. At least have the courtesy to give her some birthday orbit so she can have a clean mouth as she hurls her dirty expletives your way.

6. Light up incense, thinking its the same as candles.

Aint nothin sexy about smelling like Jamaican goat weed, or rastafarian weed masking oil. With all the sexy smells out there you thought that the shit the dude in the Kufi on 125th sold you was the best option? Well...I guess I have heard worse...some people just burn vanilla black and milds in an ashtray and call it a day. Seriously. LMAO.

5. Buy what you think is an expensive bottle of wine.

Ni**a what do you know about wine? If the extent of your knowledge of wine involves boones farm or Arbor Mist, and you pronounce the word bordeaux (bor-ducks), then you, my friend, shoulda just bought a six pack of corona and a BIRTHDAY CAKE, you insensitive ass-munch. I guess you're lucky your girl is a hoodrat and wouldn't know good wine if it mounted her and gave her an orgasm.

4. Dim the lights and turn up that Jeremih...

Hope your house is clean, because if not, anyone from the hood will tell you roaches come out at night. The key to navigating this treacherous sea of embarrassment is to go with either lights on or off....none of this sexy 'dim' shit where the roaches feel safe to come out AND YOU CAN STILL SEE THEM. Dumb ass.

3. Tell here that you're her present...and to come unwrap you.

First off, I don't like the words unwrap and sex in the same sentence, as its important to always wrap it up. Secondly, you are setting yourself up for comments like "I know I said I didn't want anything big but..." LOL. Case in point, if you offer yourself as the 'present' you better deliver like Fed-ex or risk being kicked to the curb and cock blocked from anyone your now ex-girlfriend may know.

2. Ask her "where she wants her gift?"

Why not just say 'can I skeet in your face?' or "you wanna do this anal or oral?" See. Now you realize how silly this sounds. I'm sure Jeremih was laughing his ass off reading the lyrics that the dream most likely wrote, thinking of how many relationships he'd end by gassing dudes up to get dumped and then banging their groupie girlfriends back stage. Tis a sad, sad world...but somebody's gotta sing about it.

1. Hit her back after she slaps the pigeon shit out of you.

Dodge and weave brotha, dodge and weave. I don't condone violence against women, especially when it's your own fault for being a cheap malleable son of a b**ch easily persuaded by the ills of syndicated radio. Apologize to her. When she goes to sleep, however, redeem your manhood by going in her fridge and popping one off in the milk. Sheiiiit. If she's not gonna do it, somebody has to. Happy Birthday beyyyyyyatch.

Well, there you have it, a recipe for B-day madness. Don't get mad cause we stylllin on you R & B Thugs.

Live, Love, birthdays...Lol



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