Thursday, June 18, 2009

Auto-Tune True Hollywood Story

EEEEEEEther Blog!

Hey! How we blog up on the site, I know you hate it!
Show-Rock rockin' the dreads, I got my waves in!
When you read other blogs, you know they fakin'!
And I'm back on my grizz cuz I graduated, WOOOOOOOOOAH! We pop champagne, WOOOOOOOOOAH!

Yes, boys and girls, C4 comes back to ya door once more for sure. I had a little hiatus there what with finishing up class, graduating, finishing up the play I got the wax for (pause), and moving back to NYC. Luckily for me and for yall Show-Rock has been holding it down like always, but you can expect a more consistent appearance from the slightly less nappy-headed bro talking to you now.

"Dis sh** betta be good, n***a. I just be readin' dis s*** for Show anyway, dis is some bull****."

Funny you should say that hater. I cooked up a special wonton soup for you today, as you can probably tell by this post's headline.

Just like the man I borrowed the melody from has helped to show, Auto-Tune has blown the F up bigger than the Latin Invasion in 1999 (Middle-schoolers look it up. Then get the hell off this website and smack your legal guardian for not keeping an eye on your browsing habits).

For good or for bad, everybody from Kanye West to Jamie Foxx (who can sing!) to Saturday Night Live (I'm On A Boat!) to the damn Slap Chop dude (you're gonna love my nuts!{no homo}) hopped aboard the T-Pain train for a one-way ticket to popularity and riches. Even me. my first post was titled Blame It On the A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol, for Chrissakes. You're all probably thinking of your personal favorite technology-assisted songs right now. It's ok. I'll give you 5 seconds to hum the tune.


Jay-Z has openly declared that the Death of Auto-Tune is at hand with his new single, going hard on even his own producer! (Kanye helped No ID on the beat and gave consent to the stylistic ritual suicide of 808's and Heartbreak)

So with this musical fad possibly on life support, let's take a look at how we got here.
C4 Presents: The Auto-Tune True Hollywood Story

Little Baby Auto-Tune was born in Dayton Ohio in 1982 as the Computer Love-child of father Roger Troutman and a Commodore 64. The little girl took after after her mother, preferring rubix cubes and to piano and singing lessons, which she took anyway because mommy and daddy wanted her to grow up to be well-rounded. But she did always love listening to the greatest hits of ther father's band, Zapp, like "I Wanna Be Your Man," "More Bounce To The Ounce," and of course, "Computer Love," which she later became grossed out by when she realized the song was about her conception (and that kind of knowledge is traumatic to children).

By middle school A.T. was a straight A student already taking Algebra and Geometry, playing in the school band and singing in the choir, although in the artistic endeavors she was average at best. This hurt her because she always felt like a disappointment to her father, who was fairly absent in her life. Without a common ground to relate on A.T. felt like she couldn't compete for her dad's attention with his ten other kids (true story yo!). She could see in his eyes (on those days he'd actually see her) how he wished she was just better at adapting his craft, no matter how many straight A's she received.

A.T. rebelled, shunning her daddy's R&B/funk stylings for the hip-hop that was thriving like never before (and never again, we'd soon find out). Even there A.T. wasn't safe from her father's influence. Their relationship grew only more strained with Roger Troutman's spike in popularity in 1995 on the back of two sweet-sounding, devastating words: California Loooooove.

Daddy, Why Did You Have To Do A Song With 2Pac?! I Hate you!!!!!

They never spoke again. Four years later Roger Troutman was tragically gunned down by his older brother Larry in a murder-suicide that has never been explained. Music, and her life, would never be the same.

A.T. tried to move on with her life, majoring in computer technology at FAMU in Tallahassee, FL, where she received a full scholarship, excelling academically despite falling victim to typical hood n***a influences that swarmed everywhere.

Her senior year, however, she met and fell in love with a goofy local 18-year old with silly looking dreads named Faheem. The world would know him, thanks to their sacred union, as T-Pain. See, Faheem could kinda rap, the way most southern n***as are just ok at it, and he had no way of breaking out of the pack and joining the ranks of the Ludacris's and T.I.'s of the world.

But A.T., by now harboring CRAZY daddy issues, like all those girls you took advantage of in undergrad, had developed an amazing new technology she named after herself and introduced T-Pain to it. He then recorded a song dedicated to her, about their love, which was f****ing terrible and was called "I'm Sprung."

Seriously though. I remember seeing that video for the first time and thinking, "this n***a is a f***ing clown, he can't sing without that thing on his voice, he don't rap, he's goofy as f***. How did he get signed? He'll never have another hit song, this cat won't ever make it off BET."

Boy was I wrong. He changed everybody's tune with his next single, "I'm In Love (with a Stripper)", again dedicated to A.T. (cuz she had to help pay tuiti-HAHAHAHAHA, that's a lie, she was just a hoe. Whew. I hope you ain't fall for that one), and skyrocketed T-Pain and Auto-Tunes popularity. Next thing you know they were doing "Good Life" with Kanye, all at the MTV Awards, BAAAAALLLIN!!!! (I know, wrong True Hollywood Story)

And then it all came crashing down.

Everybody knows that girls with daddy issues are crazy and insatiable. She started cheating on her lover (or should I say pimp!), T-Pain, with the likes of Kanye, Jamie Foxx, Lil Wayne (who ran trains on her with T-Pain) and the next thing she knew she was being on youtube in phony news broadcasts and remixes of infomercials, f***in Taylor Swift (you'll see in a sec) just wildin, son! She was doing everybody in town, getting paid, and then...

Weeks ago, the legend, Jay-Z, charged, tried, and found her guilty of musical treason, issuing her a dath sentence. A song called Death of Auto-Tune. She is now a fugitive. The big-wigs are onto her and her effect on music. Was it too late, though? She spread like syphillis in a trailer park. She is everywhere. Now, strung out and over-worked, she might go the way of the Bro-Hawk, long white tees, and throwbacks (also sentenced to death by the Honorable Judge Hov).

Will people ever sing again? In their own voices? Is it too early to declare, Auto-Tune LaQuanda Commodore Troutman, 1982-2009? Is stuff like this (although hilarious) too incriminating for her to escape the death penalty?

We'll find out next time on C4's True Hollywood Stories.

1 comment:

Rock said...

Funny thing is...the most ridiculous part of the whole post has nothing to do with C4's skillfully witty delivery or expert analysis. It's the fact that T-pain is indeed wearing a big ass chain that says "Big Ass Chain" in (most likely) cubic zirconias.