Upon hearing the name AT& T, most people automatically think of iPhones, 3G networks and unlimited text messaging. Lucky for me, I am much more entertaining than 'most people' and have a much more interesting spin on what these three letters mean in relation to my favorite subject...bi**hes!
While faithful blog readers may remember WJA3's post in which he described a rating system for women (hoes), I would like to remind you all that I am no Imperial WJA3, nor will I pretend to be.
I am Show muthaf***in Rocka, Mr. "keep it 100." I have no qualms about speaking the absolute truth. This being said, I can safely say that rating systems are complete and utter nonsense becasue if given the circumsttance and opportunity, guys would f**k 90% of the women in the world. This number does not include women under the age of 18 (as the percentage would be skewed into the upper echelons by perverts) but does include the mentally and physical challenged...don't front, I know you've all seen a deaf or blind girl you wanted to bone.
Actually, If you are from New haven, I know exactly which girl you are talking about so stop fronting and acting like you go to the Dairy King in Fair Haven for the ice cream. Please don't think I am a bad person for saying this, but the phrase "Damn I'd hit that" doesn't mean anything in today's world, as in most cases, it is already implied. Every girl (unless shes a baby or nun) is getting f**ked by someone. This is just the way of the world. Sorry Mom.
Now that we have established 90% of women as fair game, I am left with the seemingly difficult task of determining how to categoricaly place them in a hierarchy without a rating system. I'm going to let you in on a little secret...there is no hierchy and for the purpose of randomly 'hooking up,' all girls are one in the same. As long as you stay abreast of technology, dont BOOST her ego and establish a 'connection', (girl's like that word), you 'll soon have so many honeys that you start attracting bees...was that corny? Anyways...remember the acronym AT&T and you will forever have women SPRINTing to be your...ummm....service provider. LOL.
AT&T: Ass, Ti**ies and Tounge Rings.
I know that about half of you think that I have lost my mind in comparing women to cell phone companies, and to this I say 'take time and think about the similarities.' Both women and cell companies sole purpose are to talk,talk,talk....they both charge you exorbantly high rates, lock you into implied contracts and know just how to 'push your buttons.' Even despite all this bullsh*t, you'd be hard pressed to find someone who could live without them. This, however, is not necessarily a bad thing, as the emotional pitfalls caused by both can be avoided via translating them into technologial, cell phone terms.
We may not know how to work a relationship, but a ni**a damn sure know how to work a phone!
Step 1: Choose your service provider (i.e. who or what will be responsible for activating or 'turning you on.' For today's and every other day's purposes well will assume AT&T as no man dislikes ass, ti**es and tounge rings.
Step 2: Approach the service area upon which you will check your signal strength. Look below your waist and pretend you are getting change out of your pocket (no homo.) Spot a female and assess the strength of her AT&T signal. Are you an ass man (no homo)? Does she have a nice ass all other things excluded...? If the answer is yes, you already have one bar. If you happened to notice that this woman also has a tremendous rack, yet you are not a ti**y man, it is irelevant...are you starting to see how this works? Do you like freaks? Good. She has a tongue ring and we are now up to a two bar signal strength. Let the games begin.
Step 3: As the key to this exercise is staying connected in this digital world, one must attempt to garner the attention of a particular female and keep it. Send her a drink...(a glass of water to be exact...yall know I dont buy h#es drinks) , and watch her response. She will smile, and upon learning its water, most likely laugh. You have just sent her a message without saying a word. You are a spontaneous individual with a sense of humor. Text message sent.
Step 4: Approach the youg lady and tap her on the shoulder...This is the original 'facebook poke' used to facilitate conversation and see, via name dropping, if any of your friends are in her network. If the woman looks at you in disgust your request has been denied, and if her friend interjects, consider your call blocked. If not, as is usually the case in a small town, you have mutual friends and do not seem like a creep. Score! Friend request accepted.
Step 5: Don't talk too much as this could lead to you "running out of minutes aka overages..." No one wants their time monopolized by one 'provider' and thus is the reason you often see a woman (or man) with more than one cell phone. Also, bars tend to get crowded and thus may not allow for face to face intimate conversations...remember however, if you and said female become seperated, let her go, you'll find her later...no one likes talking long distance.
Step 6: As the bar and club begin announcing last call its patrons are becomming drained, ready for sleep or an alternate night time activity. Your objective: get her home before her 'battery dies' While the girl with the tounge ring may be down to let you plug her like a car charger right in the front seat, your overall goal should be to get her home agaist the wall, jack her legs up in the air and knock her off the hook. If she is ugly, don't fret...just turn her around...thats what 'rollover minutes' are for. Congratulations, you have oficially mastered the art of telecommunications, just remember to tell your 'service representative' that there is no roadside assistance....catch an cab and enjoy the ride, but remember... there are not strings attached baby... this phone is cordlesss...
Live, Love, Staying Connected