Saturday, June 6, 2009

3 Things that Suck about Heaven & Summer

An iconic rapper turned overly hyped & flabby forty something named Jay-Z once said "If this is heaven to me, is this considered heavenly?" Deep sh*t. The answer, however, is a flat out and emphatic 'NO.' Now I am no religious theologist(though I may moonlight as one), but I do know, based on mere common sense, that if Heavens guidelines were to be determined by each individuals tastes and preferences, individuals could only be happy if all their tastes and preferences were exactly the same and caused no conflict with each other.

This, we all know, is not the case.

Take for instance today...It's Saturday, the sun is shining and cook-out season has officially begun. Sound's almost divine...right? Well, add a cornucopia of scantily clad cuties and an endless supply of yak (beer or liquor called so originally as a shortened version of the word con'ac'), and we might actually have to consider renaming the seasons winter, Heaven, Spring and Fall. The one thing about Heaven (and summer), however, is that all of you whom believe in this celestial afterlife will undoubtedly have to share it with others who embrace this common belief. There is no solitary heavenly confinement, or Emerald City within this OZ. You are in Gen Pop (general population). Sucks huh? No endless supply of b***hes for you. You'll have to suffer through another life in which chicks go for the best looking, smoothest and most affluent individuals, i.e. not you. This, my friends, is the essence of the Catch 22 which describes both Heaven and summer, as in the end, they are truly one in the same.

Why do I insist upon the fact that Heaven is akin to summer you ask? Well for starters, Sam Adams summer Ale is like the ambrosia that God sent down via his messenger Samuel Adams to show the world proof of his existence. It is no Guinness, but it's damn good.

More importantly, however, Summer is a time to be with loved ones sitting on the celestial stoop (porch) sharing old memories and stories. Sounds like Summer to me. The bright lights and shining white skies of that heavenly cumulus cloud filled world are reminiscent of everones favorite ni**a accoutrement which marks the start of full blown summer...Rims. Yes that's right I compared rims to the shining light's of God's crib (Heaven) signaling to the masses that he is home, and not out to lunch. Do you really think it is a coincidence that rims are made of silver chrome, and the saying that "every cloud has a silver lining?" In the same way that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy (as dictated by Ben Franklin), Rims are proof that God wants us to stunt and shine like the Heavenly skies (as Dictated by "Sho-Show No-Homo.") LOL.

Sounds like the prefect set-up so far. God wants us to have Rims and rock heavenly white V-neck T's, we can freely keep the party going with Sam Adams, and Victoria's Secret girls have now been renamed Victoria's Secret Angels, as proof that God wants to remind these females, in the words of James Brown, that it is still a Man's world. The almighty has decided to reward us for our hard work and steadfast belief all year long by allowing us to partake in the splendors of his favorite season...Summer. This is his little reminder that he, GOD, is king...he even cancelled King magazine in order to not cause any confusion...Sean John's "I am KING" fragrance I'm sure will be next on the chopping block. Also, a sidenote: Lebron. You may want to stick with "Bron-Bron" over "King James" as far as monikers are concerned. I'm just saying...

So far, I have undoubtedly painted the perfect picture of Heaven...I mean summer. The problem is, however, I said Summer was a Catch 22, and I am not one to reneig on my word.

Below you will find my explanation in the form of the following list:

The Top Three Things that Suck About Summer and Heaven

3. Dealing With Crowds

In the same way that everybody seems to come out in the summertime, I'm pretty sure that everyone will be out trying to get into heaven like it's a trendy club. Sheeeeit, the only other option is HELL so you really don't have anything to lose. The worst part of this becomes the fact that the line is unnecessarily long. People who know they have no chance of getting into heaven (i.e. rapist, murderers & anyone who was on Flavor of Love), are still standing in line just like those ni**as who are wearing timbs, read the sign that says "NO TIMBS" and still wanna Try, just to see if they can get in. Assholes.

2.Too much sweating

Like it or not, summer is hotter than a mutha fu**a. Well...It's not hotter than Hell, but it is damn hot. This being said, you will most likely be sweating through 3 dollar white T's like it's your job, and complaining about having to use the A/C thus increasing you electric bill. Heaven, on the other hand, will have you sweating for an entirely different reason. With the almighty Omnipotent Jah watching over your every step, and the punishment being a trip to Hell, I think that we will ll be justified in our degree of nervousness. Nevertheless, no one like to sweat.

1.Getting Out shined

I think that we can all agree that upon entry into Heaven, you will by out shined by GOD. This is not a problem, as it is expected. Getting out shined by other mere mortals transitioning into the afterlife, however, has to suck. Can you imagine getting into Heaven and seeing the girl of your dreams only to find her giving fellatio to some Usher (no homo) looking ni**a with Hulk Hogan Muscles? If you answered no to that question, you will face a stone cold reality check in the rare event you get through the Heavenly Gates' screening process. I guess you should've worked out more on earth instead of eating all that General Tso's? What ? Did you think pretty bi**hes were going to really like fat, ugly guys in heaven? Remember...It's heaven for them ass clown.

This is the same feeling that many people (including myself) have upon breaking out their rims, jewelry and fresh new kicks for summer. I can just picture the scene now...You hit the ave in your freshly waxed, tinted out whip, freshly equipped with the shining chrome 18 inch wheels you spent your entire income tax check on. You permeate the air with greatness as you drive down the block Bumpin that brand new Naledge Chicago Picasso mixtape...the b**hes can both hear and see you coming. Just as they turn their heads to see which one will f**k you as congratulations for having such nice rims, a ni**a with 20 inch rims drives by. Game over. You will get no p***Y and are now officially a chump. Case in point, Someone in Heaven will have a bigger Jesus piece pendant, bigger d**k or bigger rims than you. Just face it, because like "two union 15's", these are the breaks. LOL.

Live, Love, God

Sho-Show No Homo

LMAO. Kanye you may have a Job even after the Death of the Autotune.

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