Friday, May 22, 2009

The Tiger Treaty

My dad was the MVP of the father-son softball game my senior year of high school, which shocked me more than anyone else out there, being as though my father and I had previously NEVER interacted in this sport. Conversely I grounded out twice. When I asked him how he got so good he just said, "we used to just play baseball all the time when I was a kid. AHA! I only played baseball when I went to a predominantly white summer camp (coincidentally where I also went to high school). I never lost to Dad on the court though once I was tall enough that it was fair. He can't ball for nothing. Why? Because these are the rules of our respective generations. Let's look at how this came to be, shall we?

Sssshhhh! I'm the last one. The rest of you can only play in COLLEGE!

Sorry, Jr. No black kids playing baseball up there.

Remember back when white people played basketball? Remember when black people played baseball? It wasn't that long ago. Now, however, you'll be hard pressed to find white NBA superstars and even harder pressed to find black MLB superstars. You're more likely to find a white girl with a platinum grill than you are to see the next Larry Bird or Ken Griffey, Jr.

So what happened? The government stepped in. After some covert CIA research the bros and I have found some documents from the year 1996 titled The Tiger Treaty. For you see ladies and gents, the man who forced the government to demand that this treaty of sports segregation in America was in fact Tiger Woods. 1996 was the year Tiger started playing golf professionally, and it was no secret he was about to tear it up like none other. This of course upset the balance of the sports universe to the point that the CIA sat down and devised these rules:

1. After Tiger Woods, there will be no other black golfers. In fact, Tiger Woods won't even call himself black. He shall be, um, CaBalAsian. Yeah. People will buy that, right?

2. To further avoid any racial confusion, no more American black people will play baseball. Ken Griffey must with 5 years abandon all the things that have made him great, Frank Thomas must fall the f*** off, and that asshole Barry Bonds must ultimately end his career in shame. If an American is part black and plays baseball, he must be of Latin descent.

"Mira ese moreno aqui!"

Case in point: It's really easy to find black people playing baseball, all over the Major Leagues. But how many of them don't speak Spanish?! Name five elite MLB non-Latino brown people. YOU CAN'T!!! While typing that last sentence I posed that question to a friend passing by who is a baseball fanatic, and he came up with Ryan Howard really quickly. Then he had to pause, take a deep breath, get a glass of water, and came back with Prince Fielder, Derek Jeter (KINDA), and Andruw Jones (who is DUTCH!). And this dude BREATHES baseball!

3. No more American white athletes will seriously play basketball professionally. (Luckily for Steve Nash he's Canadian so he found the loophole). They may excel in college, but if they go to the NBA they must report directly to the end of the bench, unless they so happen to be a small forward with good jumpshot (Mike Miller, Wally Sczerbiak, Luke Walton). All other white basketball players must be from Europe (Dirk Nowitski, Andrei Kirilenko, Pau Gasol, etc.) or South America (Manu Ginobili, Luis Scola).

White basketball players are kicking ass too. For the 5 of you out there who stayed up til 4am watching the final of the Olympics, the all-black LOADED "Redeem Team" had their hands full down to the final minutes playing against a bunch of pasty Spanish guys who all speak with lisps, and they were going all out the whole time. Not one white person played for Team USA. In 1992 the Dream Team had four, three of whom are Hall of Famers (Larry Bird, John Stockton, Chris Mullin, and bum ass Christian Laettner).

(Quick sidenote: You know who was definitely watching that game rooting for the Americans and hating the Spaniards with every fiber of their being? ASIANS. Cuz the Spaniards are racist assholes who think they can go all the wa to China and make fun of Asians. You know at the end of the game there were Asians all around the world shouting at Pau Gasol in various languages, "EAT A DICK! EAT A DICK!")

Then we're gonna play at the Rucker, in blackface!

1, 2, 3, 4! We don't play b-ball no more!
4. Cold Ass War Stipulation: The Williams sisters can stay, only so Serena's thickness can compete with the popularity of Anna Kournikova

The face shows Russian superiority in smoothness, but dat ass can't compete with apple-pie-inspired American thickness! Just like the real Cold War.

5. Hockey will remain a white man's game. A couple black guys will play well, but no one will pay attention. How many of you know who Jerome Iginla is? STOP LYING!

So there you have it folks. The conspiracy is uncovered.

Once More,

To Ya Door,


1 comment:

MW said...

The Blasian Connundrum, Continued:

Well, less about the Bl- and more about the -asian component.

Let's not forget the Tiger Treaty's Ricebowl Subcompact (not a tiny car for a small yellow person, but rather a subordinate document poorly paperclipped to the aforenamed Treaty, resulting in its having been buried beneath Showrocka's classy porn stack. And you're damned lucky I went for "tasteful" on this image hunt).

Said Subcompact defines the inclusion of an Asian/Pacific Islander in all sports, and they're more than willing! But are they able...?

Baseball is doing pretty well for itself, with numerous fans here and in Japan. In fact, American baseball gets its share of play on Japanese TV. Even the bloopers.

And let's not forget Sino-giant Yao Ming, who ate half of the population of Shanghai in order to grow to brobdingnagian proportions and tower over some of his darker-skinned transpacific colleagues.

Oh, and Tiger. Who is like part Asian or some sh*t. But now that Dave Chappelle has had him drafted to the Blacks, what's golf to do?

As for football, the checkerboard just got more checkerederer with the inclusion of more Latinos, Asians, and "Et Ceteras". I'm sure there's an Octoroon in there somewhere.

The rules have changed. The rules are ever-changing.

...Just as long as they keep out the damn Filipinos, I'll be fine. That's more out of spite to a few bad exes than to the entire Pinoy contingent. My bad.

Enjoy the ☀.