Sunday, May 10, 2009

This is Not OK (Part 2): A List

For any of you fortunate enough to have read yesterday's Blog post, you will be familiar with my list of things which are unacceptable under any circumstances. While this list may seem no more than a comedic rant, it is in actuality something much more important. Trends are a reflection of society thus producing sociopolitical and economic overtones, all of which can be seen within the microcosm which is each of the following five 'entries.' Despite the idea that each person should be entitled to his or her own opinions, tastes and lifestyles, certain things are just not acceptable by any means, under any circumstances. If this list pertains to you or anyone you are closely or loosely affiliated with, you should be offended...very offended.

Before transitioning into the cultural analysis which is this post, I want to leave you all with a quote from the late Samuel Johnson: "an injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere," as it indeed rings true that the bullsh*t tomfoolery which has managed to make this list is the epitome of social injustice. Enjoy.

This is Not OK (Part 2): A List

5. Nickel Bags

Ganja. Herb. Purp. Piff. OG Kush. Reefer. Mary Jane. The list goes on...Call it what you want, there is no denying the prevalence of everyone's favorite hallucinogen in today's society. While only legal in some states for medicinal purposes, the attitude of the public seems to concur with the idea that smoking marijuana is nothing more than a harmless pastime which consequently stimulates the economy of most convenience stores via a phenomenon known as 'the munchies.' This being said, I make no judgement call as to whether or not people should be smoking this Rastafarian holy herb despite my own refusal to partake in the global cypher. One thing, however, is for sure...If it is 2009 and you are still smoking nicks (nickel bags, called so due to their price of 5 dollars), you are pitiful! Where do you even get a nickel bag these days? I know they still make them because I saw someone with one the other day. Nickel bags are to weed what 'loosies' are to cigarettes (* loose cigarettes sold in convenience stores without buying an entire pack.) Smoking a nick is just as embarrassing as going to a fancy restaurant, ordering bread and leaving no tip. Weed is not a necessity so therefore we cannot feel bad for you because you cant afford enough to even roll a decent J. You, my friend, are better off taking a shot at rehab as it is much less embarrassing than a five dollar weed habit. Better yet, go to Walgreens or Rite Aid pharmacy and spend your 5 dollars on a large bottle of mouthwash. Proceed to 'brown bag it' and drink it outside with the mouthwash Bums (local homeless men who drink Listerine in an attempt to get drunk off its alcohol content), because least this way you can share.

4. Pre Paid Cell Phones

Awwwwwww. You have a boost phone? How cute. Just kidding. If you are a grown man I should never hear the phrase "yo, I'mma call you when I get some more minutes." Excuse me? Did you just say 'when I get some more minutes?' This is, in the words of Kenan Ivory Wayans, a lowdown dirty shame. With all the cellphone providers and different rate plans out there, there is no need for anyone involved with any form of legal activity to allow these pre paid cell phone companies the opportunity to rape your pockets with fifty cent per minute calls and text messages. Yes I know a lot of people have messed up credit, and I am also aware of the fact that not everyone's life has the stability needed to maintain a payment system for 'monthly bills.' I also know, however, that many of you mutha suckas are leasing 7 series BMWs, Lexus's and Mercedez Benzes while still talking on minute phones. LMAO. Minute phones haven't been cool since the Omnipoint ones with the big green keypads. Even if you use this phone for illegal or illicit activity know this...Law enforcement, the Federal government and women are all smarter than you think. It should not take more than watching one episode of CSI or Law and Order to find out these phones are also traceable and most likely secretly tapped. Idiots. For those of you secretly using these phones to set-up rendezvous and extra marital affairs don't think you're off the hook. Women know that a Boost phone means one of three things: either you're a dopeboy and she wants to be by your side spending your money, you're a bum and she will undoubtedly cheat on you with another bum ass ni**a with a better phone, or you are cheating on your girl and she is most likely cheating on her crazy ex boyfriend in jail. Get a clue and get a phone contract.

3. Gender non Specific trends (Scarves, Skinny Jeans, Lil Wayne Lip piercings)
While I have been known to rock a skinny jean or two and occasionally don a man scarf, my recent pondering of the idea of gender neutral styles has caused me to reevaluate what is truly permissible in the fashion world. While a rant on how style is becoming more and more blatantly homosexual, something unsurprising given the percentage of openly gay designers, would be too long and distasteful, I can say that you should never be having a convo with your boy that begins with "yo son, that houndstooth scarf is aiiight..." and ends with "yea fam, it took me an hour to get into these jeans. They look good though right? no homo." While the beginnings of such trends were rooted in men buying woman's sneakers a size and a half bigger due to the unavailability of certain color Jordans in Men's sizes, it was further complicated by transgender pop culture stars such as Kanye west and overall weirdos like Pharrel and Lil Wayne. If you and your girl are rocking the same 'fit' unintentionally, its time to switch up your swagger. Fellas, you know what Chris rock says about tongue rings / facial piercings..."If a woman has one, she'll probably suck your d***. If a man has one, he'll probably suck your d***. LOL. In an effort to be fair an impartial I am going to make a decision which may shock the masses. Men, continue wearing colored skinny jeans as it shows your own boldness and individuality. Women, please ditch this trend as women's jeans themselves are already form fitting and do not need to be super slimmed or peg legged. While it seems counter intuitive, allowing men to keep the skinny jean trend alive and kickin will eventually, through the process of Darwinian natural selection, lead to men rocking jeans not to large and not too small. Women, you can have the scarves...Sorry Kanye. As far as the Lil Wayne lip piercings, this should be eliminated from the wardrobe of both sexes. You look like fu**ing cat fish with popped zits.

2. The Obama-sizing of the United States

No president in the history of the world has ever had sneakers, shades, hats, T-shirts, Hoodies, diamond jewelry and even rap mixtapes emblazoned with his likeness. I am as proud as the next man to finally witness history and have a black President in the White House. This, however, does not make it OK to turn congress to the BET awards. What? Did you think Obama was going to see you rouges wearing hoodies with his likeness and say "yea son, that's hot?" Side note: I'm sure Obama wants to smack Ace Hood for wearing that ugly ass Obama chain & Jesus piece. Do you think Barack is riding around on Air Force one wearing a pair of Air Force Ones with his likeness and bumping 'My President is Black' in his IPod? If you answered yes to either of the aforementioned questions, you are a fool. In the words of one of the most prolific speakers of the modern era, "yes we can..." quit all this foolishness.

1. Getting Paid to 'Babysit' your own child or children

I'm going to keep this one as short as the temper on an irate midget. IF IT'S YOUR OWN CHILD, IT IS NOT BABYSITTING! I am not making this up people. I know people who get paid by their Baby mamas to 'babysit' their own children. While this may be some form of welfare fraud or scam it is still not OK. What this means, other than the fact that you are living off of a woman, is that you view your child as a chore rather than a parental responsibility and loved one. This being said, you're answer to the question of "are you going out tonight" should NEVER end with "nah son, I gotta babysit...", and should NEVER EVER be followed by "you know..I gotta get that money." Be a father (or non-chickenhead mother) to you child...this sh*t is not OK people...

Live, Love, Bloggin at 6:00 am



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