Sunday, May 10, 2009

This is not OK (Part 1): A List

Well folks, I just came from a fun filled weekend in Cambridge with C4 where I actually got to see him act for the first time. I do not want to spoil the play for anyone who may go and see it, but I will say that for approximately 8 minutes, C4 is wearing nothing but a leopard thong. Pause .


While many would say that the idea of seeing your scantily clad homeboy perform in front of an audience is a bit strange, I say that it is no weirder than anything that happened in college (i.e taking dumps with the door open so as to facilitate conversations). No Homo. Needless to say, while my definition of things considered permissible is a bit loose, there are a few things which I believe are not acceptable under any circumstance.

Any male or female in any way affiliated with any of the following things, should reevaluate their lives and priorities. You most likely suck at life and will ultimately end up a candidate for welfare, legal aid and or the Maury Povich show.


This is Not OK (Part 1) : A List

5. Faux Hawks or Bro Hawks in 2009.

Yes, it was a bold move when Diddy decided to rock the 'Bro-hawk' for the 2003 New York Marathon. 26.2 Miles later with over 2 Million dollars raised for charity, a new fad was born. Let me restate folks, this was in 2003. It is now 2009 and the fad has grown a mind of its own. Side note: Bro hawks are not to be confused with the trendy and sexy "hump" hairstyle rocked by latinas and black chicks. This being said, Zig Zag designs on the side, colored hawks, Cornrowed and dreaded Mohawks only serve to exacerbate this growing problem. People, while I normally rely on the Darwinian process of natural selection to weed out things like this, I believe that at this point in time, an A&E intervention is needed. Bro / Faux Hawks did not look cool with baggy jeans and timbs, and they definitely do not go well with this skinny jean fad. Let's be honest, no minority since Mr. T has been able to successfully pull this off (with the exception of Diddy.) Sorry C4, and Sorry Ron Artest.


R.I.P Bro-Hawks (2003-2009.)




4. Flight Jackets any time after 1999.
Fellas. In the words of my good friend Sami Kash at Mylifesaflic.blogspot, "flight jackets are the male equivalent to Chinese slippers." Yes, we are aware that flight jackets were at one time the jackets of choice in the hood, by they are now simply antiquated artifacts...throwbacks to a bygone era where Mobb Deep, Notorious B.I.G and Pathfinder jeeps reigned supreme. These jackets, also referred to as "white power jackets" or "D-Block Coats (when detailed with quilted diamond stitching)," are not only cheap (they cost about 25 dollars), but they look cheap. Once flight jackets started to come out in 'flavors' (aka different colors), it was time to hang them up for good. I cannot lie, I used to be a huge fan of these jackets back in my college days because you could wear them to the "sweat box" frat parties and throw them in the corner when you got hot without worrying about it getting stolen. Funny thing is, as most people followed this practice, you usually ended up leaving with the wrong coat so It was wise to keep your keys on your person. This being said, I have since grown up and can now afford a coat check. Ditch the D-Block coats.



3. Chinese Slippers.

Agggggh. Luckily this is starting to not be as prevalent, but there was a point in time that bi**hes were wearing these dollar store slippers to the club! There is no cushioning and cannot be comfortable, therefore should not be worn outside the house. As a matter of fact, these f***in things shouldn't even be worn to the beach. I'd actually prefer to look at F**ked up toes. Ladies, lets be serious. When your toe nail polish costs more than your 'shoes' you definitely should not be wearing them in or outside the house. Last time I checked, the ladies championing these slippers were not ninjas; they did not go to Ninja School, nor do they work in dojos. True story, lose the slippers. They look like hair nets with cardboard soles.



2. Counterfeit Bags and or Sneakers.



If you bought your sneakers from Crazyjordans.com, nike-sneakers.com, americaseller.com (Dez!), Kicksorder.com, buy-jordans.com or any site which sounds like this, they are f***in fake! Burberry, Gucci and Louis Vuitton never entered any deal with michael jordan to make a special line of designer shoes which cost less than keychains from their respective websites. Let me reiterate that there is nothing cool about wearing fake shoes. All vanity and pretentiousness aside, these shoes are poorly made, come in ridiculous colors, do not run true to size, and are not nearly as comfortable as the actual sneakers they are trying to immitate. Ladies, I know you are laughing right now but I must say that you guys are just as bad. Here's a bit of advice...If your Louie Bag did not come from Eluxury.com or LouisVuitton.com, it is fake. There are no Louie discounts, and there are no louie sales. Stop pretending to demonstrate status to other chickenheads who don't know any better. Anyone who could afford a real Louis Vuitton bag can spot the fake and you may even get your dumb ass stopped at customs. Also, a sidenote: I highly doubt the president licenced his likeness to be put on Air force ones. If you have Obama shoes, they're fake. Sucka.



1. Receeding Hairlines with Cornrows

This one is self-explanatory, but 'why, why, why!!!' I am sure people will think I am biased in saying that dreds are acceptable after your early thirties but braids are not. As a small caveat I will say that if you do have braids at 30 +, they better at least be past your neck. All in all, braids with thinning or receding hair is not a good look. I am complete aware that in the same way we as humans hate to recognize our own mortality that people refuse to accept the concept of aging. Think for a second and conjure up an image of a 50 year old non-Milf in daisy dukes or a mini skirt and halter top. Grossed out yet? You should be.

This is how we feel when we see your braids covering bald spots and hanging on for dear life. No offense.

Live, Love, Lists

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2 comments:

william said...

nice

order best essays said...

I laughed a little because of the humour in this blog post. Definitely, agree with you on the crown-rows and Chinese slippers part, people should grow with time and leave these things behind.