Monday, May 4, 2009

Rachel Ray & The Ghetto Gourmet

Good morning America and welcome to another episode of the Showrock show. While the past few days posts from St. Thomas have been more like a constant "Twitter" of the events and debauchery on my vacation (only less gay), I am now back to my regular, picture posting, mildly insightful self. That's right...The Hood Hemingway is back to brighten your day once again and show you that The Sun Also Rises in the projects....

Having fulfilled my daily quest of proclaiming my own vanity I can now transition into today's post, which, as it stands, shall mark the 1st ever Rachel Ray Day...You can thank me later fellas.

Rachel Ray & The Ghetto Gourmet:

In an effort to not only stimulate your minds but also make my readers all over better, and more balanced human beings, today's post will serve as my own personal means of educating your collective pallets, offering hood recipes to compliment Miss Rachel Ray and her deliciously tasteful (LOL) FHM photo shoot. Enjoy...but try not to forget that you are supposed to be cooking.

Aww, Rachel looks so sweet and innocent in this picture that it almost makes you forget the dirty thoughts which permeated your subconscious upon seeing her in the tight black dress (see previous post "10 Celebs you'd bang if no one knew). Anyways...Bo-ring. Lets get to the good stuff.

Appetizer: Champagne Soaked Strawberries

Pretty self explanatory. Slice fresh strawberries, let soak in Moet (or Andre if you're cheap) for about 3 hours, and refrigerate. Sprinkle with sugar and serve with a side of whipped cream. As you will probably NOT be eating this treat with your boys, you can actually serve the whipped cream wherever you want

Dinner: Pernil al horno ( as interpreted by Show "Sazon" Rocka):

First off, ignore the fact that Ms. Ray is holding a turkey. We don't do turkeys in the hood son.

1. Go to Ferraros (interchangeable with any Hood meat homo) and cop (slang for buy) a large pork or Picnic shoulder.

2. Place the shoulder inside a large foil pan and score the meat (make slits all throughout, on both sides. Next, repeat this process making the slits will later be filling these holes with the Sazon mixture. Next carefully cut under the large flap of skin, making sure not to cut it off. You are essentially making a hoodie for your meat, which will later help seal in flavor and eventually become the good, crispy part of the Pernil.

3. Now, salt and pepper the hell out of that thing. Sprinkle a modest amount of oregano across the pig before dumping at least 2 entire packets of Sazon on both sides. Add minced garlic, making sure to rub all of these seasonings across the meat and particularly, into the holes and crevices. I also add chopped onions by stuffing them into the holes and under the skin flap.

4. Next pour a smidget of vinegar over the freshly sazon-ed pig and grab the Frozen Goya sofrito from the fridge. Microwave the Sofrito to make it soft and then cover the pig with the entire container. Cover the meat tightly with a plastic bag and let marinate for 3-4 days.

5. Finally...Preheat your oven to 350. Pour some Heineken in the bottom of the foil pan and cook for 4 hours, checking periodically. Next turn the heat up to about 425 and cook on the top rack for an additional 15 minutes to make the skin crispier than a new outfit. Enjoy. The meat should fall off the bone.

Dessert: Smirnoff Blueberry Pie

1. Buy a pre-made pie crust from the local supermarket as honestly....who the f**k has time to make dough.

2. Combine 2 cups frozen blueberries, 2 teaspoons of water and sugar in a small pot . Bring to a boil. Add some cornstarch dissolved in ¼ cup of water and brown sugar, add to blueberry mixture. Return the mixture to a boil, and after allowing it to cool slightly, pour into pie crust.

3.) Refrigerate pie for 2 hours. While doing so, create a mixture of Smirnoff Blueberry vodka, brown sugar water and butter ( 1/2 cup Vodka, 1/4 cup sugar, water and butter). Pour mixture over pie and refrigerate for an additional 3 hours.

4.) Place criss-crossed, refrigerated pie dough (cut into strips) across the pie and bake for about 15 minutes. It's on and popping.

No more recipes. Just Eye Candy.

Be Sure to Do the Dishes

And Take out the Trash....(LOL). Don't like it? Beat it you grouch! Bye Hater.

Live, Love, Starting the Day with 700 Hits.



Anonymous said...

My favorite pic is of the groutch.

LucyJuicy said...

wow mirale ese culo a Rachel Ray!!!! and also my dear, where did you get your pernil recipe? I can give you a better one which will make a pernil you wont believe...