Thursday, May 21, 2009

Mr. Mulatto's List (Pt. 3)

After posting yesterday's rant about not buying women drinks I was not only accused of being misogynistic, but also accused of re-using material. I do not apologize for the former, however, to those of you who have been in close proximity to me and have heard my one sided opinions on various subjects, I offer my sincerest 'my bad'. If, however, you think my apology was not sincere enough...go kick rocks with Chinese slippers on. Beyyyyatch.

Now that all niceties have been Ron Browz'ed, (aka thrown out the window), I am turning this Blog over to my alter ego(yes,I know I'm F**king weird)and good friend...Mr. Mulatto.

Today's post is for the soul brothas and sistas out there who could use a little more cream in their coffee, if you know what I'm sayin'. With Stars like Lil' Weezy and KanGaye West pushing the envelope and bending genres,(and genders),further each day, it is to no surprise that people are becoming more and more tolerant of each others cultures. In the same way that interesting shows are found merely by channel surfing, it is only by going out on a limb and trying new things that one can truly experience life. Trust me n***a, I've sky dived, sailed a boat through the Greek Isles and been cuffed for a DWB (driving while black). I am a bonafied cultural Liaison. This being said, It is only right that I disseminate my knowledge of other cultures upon your unsuspecting ears and hope that you soak it a diaphragm. LOL.

And Now, without further adu...

Mr. Mulatto's List of White things Black People
Should Try (Part 3)

5. Music other than Rap (and R & B.)

Before saying anything I would like to preempt the haters and state that yes, black people listen to Jazz as well, but not until they are in their early to mid thirties. I'm talking about right now ni**a, not 5-10 years from now. Now that this is out of the way, I will explain to you how I came to this revelation. My senior year in college, one of my dearest and hottest friends Sonalie (no not Somali like the Pirates) asked me what the greatest hip hop songs of the last 30 years were. I made her a list and in return received a list of rock songs that one must listen to before dying. While I would have preferred she show her gratification in a different way, I nevertheless learned a lot from her list, which I kept for 2 years before listening to any of the songs.

Aside from the fact that Country, Rock and even Salsa haven't been truly tainted by the auto tune, they are awesome (white word #1) in that they use actual instruments rather than drum machines and Fruity Loops synthesizers. This of course only adds tot he fact that their lyrics are listenable as they do not (usually) speak of utter nonsense. For those of you who think I am pigeonhole-ing or stereotyping I say this. Rap (with the exception of that backpack sh*t) has definitely made a transition from bad to worse. With names like OJ Da Juiceman, Titty Boy, Rick Ross, Uncle Murder,Killa Cam, and the G-spot boys do we really expect to hear anything more coherent than "do the Stanky Leg", "Rich off Cocaine" or "Cookies and Apple Juice?" Do yourself a favor and download (or buy, if you're against that sort of thing) the Beatles 'Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.' Next add a little Rolling Stones 'Beast of Burden.' Top that off with some Queen (No homo), Big & Rich, Guns and Roses, Aerosmith, Fear and Fancy and if you're feeling international, some Rip Slyme. You'll thank yourself, me and my mulatto-ness for it.

4. Shrooms.

While I am not one to advocate drug use, I want to make two things absolutely clear. If you are doing drugs anyway, u might as well do shrooms, and if you think that weed is not a drug, you are retarded. While I have..umm..heard, that shrooming is like being really drunk, only in someone elses body, it also (as a matter of proven fact) causes hallucinations if taken in large quantities. Why black people are afraid of shrooms, when they smoke all types of hallucinogenic , so called 'Piff" or "Kush" laced with all types of embalming fluid, Ajax and crack is something I still do not understand to this day. If weed is from the earth, so are shrooms.

The difference between shrooms and weed (or crack), is that shrooms will get you less time in jail because it's a drug that hasn't been associated with urban communities and or crime. Who am I kidding, a drug is a drug. All drugs are bad, sort of like everything else which feels good. Shrooms, however do have two distinct advantages...1.) No one has ever been accused of committing a violent crime because of shrooms. 2.) If you belong to a race stereotyped as lazy and unpunctual (LATE), why would you want to smoke something which reinforces just that? Unless you are Rastafari, put the holy herb down and reevaluate your situation. Mario and Luigi did magic mushrooms and they turned out fine. Yes, I know they were cartoons, but I'm just saying...

3. Sports other than Basketball, Baseball(sometimes) and Football.

News flash fellas. There are no b***hes in Football, Basketball or Baseball. Baseball teams don't even have f**kin cheerleaders for Christ's sake! Don't take this as a girly man's tirade against sports, as I myself am an avid Philadelphia Eagles fan. Dallas and New York, F**k You.

While these sports are exciting to watch, a brief stay in another country will get you used to the idea of watching other sports which can be quite addicting. A stay in Windsor Ontario got me hooked on amateur hockey (no homo..and not to eclipse my love of amateur porn), while stints in Manchester England put a n**a on to the game of Cricket. Please see below. While I recently found out these pics were airbrushed, the originals were nearly as stunning. See what the f**k you're missing out on?

If you're in it for the bi**hes, Brazilian beach volleyball is where it's at. What more could you ask for? Sexy, Athletic, Brazilian, and in tiny little shorts so you can easily see if she's a Tranny. LOL.

Also...Play golf. It's actually quite fun and once you get old (if you have money), you will have to do it anyway. Hit the driving range and practice your swing. Not only is this act in and of itself relaxing, a black person who can play golf is guaranteed to get an exponential number of white b**ches. If you're into that sort of thing. ;)

Soccer, while boring to watch on TV unless it is during World Cup season, is another sport which when watched in person, will knock your f**ckin socks off like you're trying on sandals. Soccer games are wild! It is like the sports equivalent of the Puertorican parade, minus the women and fat asses (I meant that in a good way). While the crowds may be a bit racist at times, calling darker skinned players monkeys, you will definitely be glad you indulged in the festivities of the debauchery filled arena where players kick the sh*t out of that mulatto ball.

2. Buying a Full Tank of Gas.

Revolutionary idea huh? Going to the Gas station and saying the magical words "filler up." While this act of purchasing more than a quarter tank of Gas at one time is something you may not be accustomed to, it is common practice among our Caucasian brethren. If you are truly black, as my friend Scooch will say, you are probably used to approaching the gas station attendant with an amount of money so minuscule and embarrassing that you simply say, "let me get 'THIS' on pump 6."

I understand you may not always have adequate amounts of surplus cash, but come on...this is a crying shame. Filling up once a week will not only save you time, but will also make your car run better as all of the sludge at the bottom of the tank does not get swished around and drained to the last drop. While I'm ranting about gas, I think it is also applicable to say that all yall n***as with Benzes, Bimers and Acuras better stop tryin to put that cheap as 'Regular' gas in your tank. Right on the gas cap it says "Premium Unleaded Only." We know you can read, because you obviously read the lease for that car which you couldn't afford. At the very least, put in the'Plus' petroleum. And by the way, remember to fill up the tank...You wouldn't buy a quarter shot of Hennessey would you? I thought not. Prioritize ni**a. Prioritize.

1. Sandals. No not the resort...Open toed shoes ni**a.

First things first. I am not advocating that people start dressing like old men or wearing the same open toed, Jay-Z shoes as the African bootleggers. What I am suggesting, however, is that we young black males start wearing sandals, flip-flops or whatever you want to call them, when applicable. Sheeeeit...we wear them in public showers anyway,because our mothers told us we'd catch athletes foot or worse if we didnt.

Case in point. It is not OK to wear Timbs and Nike Uptowns (Air Force 1's) on the beach!!!!!!

Not only do you look foolish, but your feet are undoubtedly hot and funkier than Parliment. Stop it. Timbs and shorts are to be left in 1998...and should have never have even been brought to the beach back then! Even though I have been known to clown people for wearing sandals, when appropriate, they serve an essential purpose. BLACK PEOPLE. LET YOUR FEET BREATHE...This being said, it is also not permissible to wear sandals with socks. No, No, No. In the words of Uncle Joey from Full house...'Cut - It- Out' (insert hand homo).

You've officially been briefed. That is all.

Live, Love, Dichotomy



The Imperial WJA3 said...

My addition to the topic:

Majority White Sitcoms (ie the Office, Free Radio, etc).

Also, I can't cosign chancletas.

MW said...

a) My snarky addition would be: "Not Talking Loudly All The Way Through Star Trek and Encouraging Slutty Uhura With Overdone Comments of 'Go, Girl!'", but the whole "talking in movies" joke has been done by too many bad, bad stand-up comics.

b) Black people who take shrooms get noodle-legged**. Just saying. [Inside joke]

**viz: 0:20

c) Rip Slyme. Awesome. (Yes, it is totally a white word).

d) Let flip-flops (or, "thongs" to Aussies and "jandals" to those adorable Kiwis) be worn appropriately, and let Jesus sandals be banished from our national fashion consciousness, regardless of individual distance to the Golden Mean of Mulattotude. There's "sacrilegious", there's "blasphemous", and then there's just "f*ck-ugly".

e) Uncle Joey got it on with angry croon-whore Alanis Morrissette. Just a pop culture rumour FYI.

f) Country music makes me want to throttle a yokel.

Much ♥.