Friday, May 22, 2009

Mr. Mulato 4 (Ho)

Good morning...or aheem..early afternoon people. Yes, I'm aware that my daily post was a bit tardy yesterday, but I live by the phrase 'better late than never.' Actually, that's a lie. I prefer to be puntual for everything and think lateness should be punishible by a swift kick in the arse with a steel toed white power boot. This being said....It's not my fault!! C4 was supposed to post but went MIA, meaning he must have some "acting" sh*t to do (i.e galavanting around in a leopard thong or something. Lmao). I appologize for spending my nightly blogging time recording an English Rock song about Porn. True story, there are witnesses. Nevertheless...I digress...


As with most situations, I have used this misunderstanding between C4 and I as more fuel for my comedic fire. As C4's (and anyone else's) penchant for theatre, (excluding cinematic theatrical Hood sh*t like the Wire), is indubitibly quite 'white', I figured this would be a perfect time to bring out everyone's favorite half breed...Mr. Mulatto. Bi**hes.


Oh yes. White folks don't think I forgot about you because of wednesdays post...I go HO-ARD (aka "hard" with a South Central LA accent.) This is not to say that some things should not be left solely to the discretion of a single race (i.e Blacks wearing dreadlocks or non-Black people rocking bleached blonde hair), but rather that certain things are just toogood to be monopolized by any single race or culture. Like pu***y. LMAO. I, therefore, without further interuption present you with yet another top five list in the tradition of all raped slaves and mulatto descendents. Enjoy.


Mr. Mulatos List of Black Things White People Should Try




5. Layaway


While I'm convinced white people love saving money as much as the rest of us, they have a funny way of showing it. Sure they don't waste their surplus income on N***a-ish nonsense like gold chains and Jordans, but they simply insist on paying for everything up front. Case in point, you've never seen a black or hispanic pay for 6 months of car insurance all at once! Also, unlike their melanin toned counterparts, white people charge everything AND PAY OFF THE ENTIRE BILL!






For those of you unfamiliar whit Layaway, this is the basic premise:






This being duly noted, I think that it is a remarkable concept of which everyone should partake. As my 2+ years of MBA-ing have taught me, the present value of money is nearly always greater than its future value (adjusting for the possibility of interest to be earned.) That being said, I want to give an earnest thank you to the black person (or white guy exploiting the pitfalls of African-American-ness) who created Layaway. Buy now pay later! You can use the extra money to invest in Mutual funds...or Jordans. LMAO.










4. Frank's Red Hot & Lowry's







Simple fact. White people do not season their food enough as evinced by their lower cholesterol levels and the disporportionately low number of individuals with diabeties and hypertension. I am not saying that these end results are a bad thing, but bland food definately is...just ask the English. Luckily for you culinary challenged folk, with the exception of sweet booty Ray (Rachel) and that funny haired Guy from the Friday's commercials, there is an easy, quick fix solution to your bastardized kitchen concoctions. Bring us your tired, your weak and unseasoned as we bestow upon thee the promise of a better, more flavorful tomarrow. Lowry's + Frank's creates a sort of synergy unseen since those rag tag bunch of homo kids put their rings together to wake up Captain Planet (don't front like u didnt watch the show.) Side note: Tabasco and hot sauce ARE NOT THE SAME THING. They are also, not interchangable. While the former merely adds heat, the latter produces an unparalled sensory explosion in your mouth (no homo). Kaaapow!! Lowry's & Frank's...the condiments with swagger. LMAO.





3. The Electric Slide (boogie woogie woogie)

Get it big girl, get it big girl get it! Now let me hear you say Hooooo!! Hoooooo!!


Oh, I'm sorry. I got caught up in the moment. What I meant to say was look at the way this overweight yet ellegant hat donning diva manages to gracefully manuever her humungous head across that floor doing none other than...yep, you guessed it...the Electric Slide (Boogie Woogie Woogie . LOL). With its steps being no more than a simplified (yet more rhymic) version of line dancing it's surprising more white people haven't hopped onto this dance. I mean sheeeeit...yall had the Solja Boy dance down before we even saw it on BET. As you can see from the photo, some white people timidly hop on and ride that electric current, but why does it have to always be the large black woman leading the dance? Your people (wow, it sounds wierd to say that) have mastered Tap, Jazz, and all but copyrighted Ballet...why not steal another cultural phenomenon and claim it as your own? Jim Jones stole the Rain dance from the native Americans and renamed it the "make it rain dance" aka We Fly High, so why the f**k shouldn't you add that element of caucasian swagger the dance has been missing. Black people will appluad your ability to master the dance, commenting on it the same way white people tend to comment on well spoken Black's saying 'he sure is articulate' (that's annoying by the way.) In the end, it's really just music...and if we can't line dance together, how do you expect us to make beautiful mulatto music (and babies) together.


2. The "Hook-Up"

I'm sure a lot of you are saying what the f**k is a hook up? A hook up (sorry white people) is not when you have a semi-sexual encounter with a women, but rather when you get anything at a good price (or for free) as a result of knowing someone. You can get in clubs for free, get merchandise that "fell off the truck" or merely end up with free cable. A Hook up is a hook up. LOL. This being said, you should try it. There's nothing like 8 pieces of chicken for the price of 4. Owwwww.



1. Disciplining your Children


FWI: White People. This does not work.


This does.

And if you get bored. Turn on some music and repeat step #2. Whip Ass Cha-cha-cha.


LOL.


That is all.

Live, Love, Laugh B***hes
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