Wednesday, May 27, 2009

How to Date a Man (No Homo): Rules for a successful Bromance. LMAO.

Bro-mance. I'm sure you've heard the term before, and with recent buddy flicks like "I love you man" making the idea of male on male friendships seem less gay, I'm sure you will hear it again...and again...and again. I myself am quite comfortable with the idea of having bonds with my closest friends, many of them fraternity members, who I view as my own brothers. None of us actually have brothers,(we actually all have sisters) so maybe this is the reason why our fraternal closeness doesn't seem homosexual (to us at least.) LOL. I mean, think about would never consider sharing a bed with your brother as gay. A bath yes, but not a bed (if you're sleeping head to toe, of course). Despite our lack of DNA linkage, our shared struggles, histories and prostitutes (LOL) make us closer than anyone could actually we, consequently, are given carte blanche to do gayer sh*t than you without it seeming gay.

Maybe it's my own twisted, sick sense of humor which makes anything beyond the realm of my own comprehension extremely funny. Homosexuality, for example, is something which I cannot truly relate to, but instances of which I find completely and utterly hilarious. No offense. The scene from My Best Friends Girl (If you haven't seen it, you must) where Dane Cook is drunk at the urinal and tells the other dude he's going to eat his c**k? HIL-F**king-Larious. The youporn blooper where one of the guys in a threesome accidentally misses the girl and pops his load is his homeboy's face? So f**king funny I almost pissed myself. LOL.(side note: this would not have been funny if I knew either of the individuals.) This being said, I think its the ability to comfortably be yourself which makes a Bro-mance work. See, I'm giving guys advice on their relationships with guys. LMAO. Think I give a sh*t if you think it's gay? You're reading right? And most likely laughing.

I've noticed some of you have stopped reading...Get back here and listen to my man-gina monologue on non-sexual homeboy love. Homies over hoes (Boondocks reference) LOL. That was actually a joke...I don't want to push the envelope too much while writing an entire blog which should be prefaced with the phrase "No Homo." By the way, it is OK for me to constantly use this phrase because a gay friend of mine said it was OK. I brief him on black culture and he gives me dome. Just Kidding...he lets me know about the gay culture and community...I just ask him to spare the details.

Now that I have successfully crossed the line and made a gay joke about myself, I want to make one thing clear. I'm not gay, but if I was....LOL. JK. Again, I must reiterate that I find this crude sort of sexually ambivalent humor nick cannon...(Dave Chapelle reference.)

Anyone who is offended by sheer nonsense, overgrown Frat Boy Bonding or the phrase "no Homo" should a.) never have read this Blog, or b.) Stop reading now. As I, the almighty Show, present to you....

How to Date a Man (No Homo): Rules for a successful Bromance. LMAO.

5. It is OK to take calls from your Bro at any time.

This includes taking a call from your Bro even while making love to your significant other, and is the reason that Girlfriends usually begin to despise your fraternal Bro-mance.

You probably shouldn't be taking calls from men at all, however, if they are not your Bros. Meeting dudes on the Internet? A definite no-no. If you have done that, maybe you should go cuddle up with your DL man-boo and watch Oprah. Homo. LOL.

4. It is OK to shave each others heads (no homo) or backs.

No other body parts are permitted. Extra 'no-homo points' are to be earned if you shave something funny into the hair.

Braiding other dudes hair? Not permitted...NOT EVEN IN JAIL.

3. It is OK to share women, but never OK to date your Bros' Ex love interest.

Women can never come between a solidified, apoxy-tight man-bond, unless they are being paid for just that purpose, thereby making it an apoxy-tight (yea right) Man-Woman-Man bond.

2. It is OK to have ACCIDENTALLY seen each other naked.

It is not OK to use the words 'yummy' or attractive. Fat or ripped are permissible descriptive terms, but staring is not only considered, but actually is, gay.

1. Its OK to share a Bed.

It is not OK to cuddle, pop wood (get a boner) and or spoon. LMAO. A Bro and myself both shared the bed while drunk and simultaneously peed the bed. As we were not touching, it was permissible. Gross, but permissible. Also, it made for a funny story.

The above list is abridged and should only be considered a guide. Truly learning to navigate the waters of Bro-mance is a skill which can only be achieved via everyday interaction and a peanut gallery of onlookers telling you when you've crossed the line from comedic nonsense into the realm of actual gay, Kanyewesdom. For any of those of you who doubt the methods to my madness and think I'm actually gay, I say to you..."word son, I'll show you how gay I am!!' LOL. Sorry, I had to say that. I heard a dude on the radio use that as a response to a DJ questioning his sexuality. Not a good look. He should've read this blog and learned the rules of non-gay man dating. LOL.

Live, Love, Pushing (not licking) the Envelope



MW said...

Several affirmations in no particular order, plus a critical turning point:

a) Yes, truly the bromance is a sacred kinship which outshines even the most estrogenic and bonbon-bonded of homances (i.e., a portmanteau of ho and romance, not homo and romance. "Bitchmance" or "sismance" loses the euphony, and all that poetic sh*t).

b) Yes, it is not gay to share a bed with a man unless he is naked and spooning you. If he is, that's unmistakably gay. Yes, it is not gay to have a friend help you shave your back. Shaving your ass...? Well, you do the gay math.

c) Yes, non-envelope licking Showrocka is not gay, but he is quite the smart dresser. That being said, wearing an ensemble of too many pink(-tinted) clothes might make you look like a very non-DL out-loud-'n'-proud "negromo". Just sayin'. I know you aren't Gangstalicious.

d1) All that being said, and just to pre-clarify a murky point, even gay men can have bromances that are non-sexual. They may either begin with "man crushes" or actual romantic crushes, but they end up steadying into a bromantic friendship.

d2) In such a case, your five rules must be adjusted:

Rule 5. Yes, it's OK, if you're single. This one has gotten me into trouble in the past...

Rule 4. "I just ask him to spare the details." says Show. Duly noted.

Rule 3. But it's OK to have dated the same person. Your mutual dislike of that guy will bring you closer. Moreover, it is OK, on occasion, to share the same man (not a threesome reference).

Rule 2. Chances are you'll see each other naked "accidentally on purpose".

Rule 1. Yes, this one is OK too. But the head to toe thing is silly. After all, if Seinfeld has taught us anything:

JERRY: You spent the night at James's? Did we?ELAINE: Yeah but we reversed positions so there was no funny business.JERRY: Reversed positions?ELAINE: Yeah, you know, head to toe.JERRY: So what, your genitals are still lined up.ELAINE: No, because I slept with my back to him.[long pause - no comment from the guys]...I breast my case.

Show said...

Negromo!! Im laughing hysterically at work.

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