Thursday, May 28, 2009

A Date is Really Just a Short Term Lease

In having a conversation with a significant other, I quickly learned one thing. For as intelligent as they MAY seem, women are complete idiots when it comes to knowing anything about men in general. No offense. Please do not get it confused, I am not saying "no one knows a man like his boys", because that would be a little too gay for even my tastes (wow. no homo.) What I mean to say by this, is that women and men view the world differently and can often have completely opposite views on the same thing. Take for instance, the idea of a so-called 'Date.' When I asked a few women, (mainly for comedic value), what they immediately thought of upon hearing the word date, the most common response was " a trip out of the house for a few hours where you try to get to know someone better and possibly hook up in the future." Cute. Ask me what a date is and I will respond with the God honest truth... "A date is a 2-5 hour lease with negotiable terms, whereby assets, in the form of cash or credit are transferred directly or indirectly into the name of the aforementioned female." Don't hate ladies. I'll explain.

The age old concepts of chivalry and courtship are, like the original U.S.Constitution, a bit antiquated. Just to put this into context, the idea of a man doing nearly anything to gain the affection of a woman and possibly gain the key to her chastity belt many years later, was formed at a time where men were also swinging at each other with swords and fighting fire-breathing dragons and sh*t. Hell yea I'd rather open the door for a lady than go off and defend the kings castle and coat of arms...Especially if in the end I might get to see a little leg. Sheeiiiiit. With no Internet porn, what else was there to do? A man can only joust but so much.

Nowadays, It is still OK to 'court' a lady,(and I use that term loosely), but the sense of necessity or urgency is lost. Chastity belts have turned into easy access Victoria's Secret Thongs, and for every woman not willing to show you hers, there are a million whores on myspace who will.

This being said, the concept of dating makes complete sense. Why commit to a mortgage when you can try a short term lease. Just remember, the middle ages and Renaissance are over, and in contemporary times, Court-ship without coitus interruptus breads nothing but endless Court- shit.

For those of you (women, or effeminate men) who still doubt the validity of my claim, I provide you with a few brief cliff notes to substantiate the aforementioned theory:

A Date is Nothing More Than A Short Term Lease Because...

5. Whether picked up by the lessee, or transported by the lessor, the simple fact is, there are goods to be delivered.

Pick her up or let her drive herself, who gives a sh*t as long as shes not damaged. See...I'm not a misogynistic chauvinist, I care about her 'safety'. LOL

4. Although women hate to be referred to as merchandise, or even worse, 'rental property', they are undeniably what we will refer to as 'the goods.'

For every woman who has ever mentioned the power of the p***y, you have unintentionally referenced the said commodity, its brand equity and marketability. Variations of this include speaking of ones "goodies," saying you have that "good-good" or wearing skimpy outfits that make a ni**a say "Good Lawd!"

3. While not as formal as a lease, a date is an implied contract.

If you do not like the terms of the contract, you are always free to walk out during the trial period or date. Once you are locked in (or order appetizers), however, you are forced to pay early termination fees, and or face criminal prosecution.

2.Lessors and Lessees both have certain rights upheld by the law.

Though you may be renting 'her' (God that sounds awful), you do not own her (unless shes a mail order bride, in which case you are sick) and cannot simply do whatever you want to her. More specifically, you cannot knock down her walls (unless permitted to), or (in the case of an automobile lease) experiment with rims (or rim jobs). In both cases, should you choose to enter these agreements without this 99.7% effective might get burned. LOL

1. Lessors pay a fee for access to the leased items.

Whether paying for dinner, a cab ride or drinks, a man is paying to be with (or inside of) you...I mean... to be inside the apartment or car...Show me a man who arrives at a date without a credit card or dime in his wallet and I will rescind my statement. Even in cases where daters go 'dutch,' each splitting the bill in two, not offering to pay or at least leave the waitress a Trojan Magnum sized tip, (no homo), usually voids the implied terms of the lease. See if you get a second date sucker.

I know that a lot of women are against this idea completely and feel as though it is sexist and not-funny. Boo-hoo-hoo, men think we are prostitutes or property. Shaaaadup. Men have been leasing women for ages in the same way that women, admittedly or not, use 'boyfriends' on a rent to own basis (effectively incorporating them into their lives and transitioning them into adequate husbands.) Oooooooh, in yo face! So stop your bi**hing. I may be a d**k, but I know how the way of the world works. Women don't be mad at how we chose to describe the inter-sexual game of 'Cat (literally) and Mouse' that we play. In the end a lease is only as good as the individuals who enter into it (was it good for you too?), and in the end, you hold the key to your own destinies, for it is you, my beautiful goddesses of the earth (and morally lose Chickenheads), whom dictate the terms of the lease. Owwwwwww.

Live, Love, A-Lease-ya Keys


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