Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Cinco de Hellmans...you know...Mayo

As I embark upon another day the Lord has allowed me to tactfully disseminate tidbits of knowledge and proclaim my own vanity and self worth, I cannot help but find myself thinking of the various comments left by individuals in regards to the blog. While some find it too focused on racial identity, others find it misogynistic and outright disgusting. For those who do not fall in either of these categories I say...you are probably in between. Rather than make a judgement call in regards to which party is actually right, I will evoke a comparison to an age old conflict started in the days of the prophet Muhammad. For those of you familiar with the Islamic religion, you are probably aware of the split between the two main sects based on their beliefs of which caliphs rightfully held religious authority as successors to Muhammad. That being said, I have determined (at the expense of pissing off yet another group of people) that there are Showrock Sunni's and Showrock Shiites. Many doubt my legitimacy in labelling myself the successor to Tupac, Walt Whitman and Richard Prior, yet all make daily pilgrimage to the holy Kaaba which is this blog.


In short, I want to thank you all for your respective journeys in search of self enlightenment. I am extremely hung over from Cinco de Mayo celebrations and will now, as consequence, blog about them.


Before I begin my daily rant about how I want to bend a hot Mexican Milf over a hot rock and pound her like a maiz tortilla, I find it necessary to say that if I was indeed Mexican, I would F**k up all you gringos for bastardizing my holiday. As a Hispanic studies major I happen to know a few things (other than how to spit game in spanish). Cinco de Mayo is SUPPOSED to represent the victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza and his rag-tag soldiers victory over the French at the battle of Puebla in 1862. This Battle soon became known and referred to as Cinco de Mayo. Mexican Independence was achieved (or at least declared) back on September 16 1810, a date on which real Mexicans celebrate and refer to as "el Grito de Independencia." Get it right. Assholes.

Tidbit of knowledge aside, can someone explain to me why all Mexican men (with the exception of Danny Trejo) are under 5' 2"? Actually, I don't even care about the answer to that question. More importantly, why do Mexican women always tend to have extremely flat asses? Is this similar to the phenomenon where dogs start to look like their owners? I may be tempted to do a scientific study on whether there is a statistical correlation between rolling flour tortillas and your butt starting to look like one. Maybe I can even use this 'science' as an excuse to turn some hot little Mexican mouths into petry dishes...If you know what I'm saying. I know one thing, however....I'd much rather have sex with a Mexican housewife than a corn tortilla. I'm just saying....


At the risk of ranting and raving too much about the mexican raza, i will say a few things in closing. For a culture which seems to degrade and belittle Mexicans all year round, it seems awfully odd and somewhat paradoxical that we decide to embrace and emulate them on this one day of the year. While Mexicans like Coronas and Margaritas as much as the next man, I highly doubt they appreciate us dressing up like mariachi bands and acting like fools. While I am sure that many see this as good, clean fun, i beg you all to view it from the other side; endless ebbs and flows of scantily clad white girls screaming in pidgin spanglish would get annoying quite quick if you suddenly realized that they would never sleep with you because you are Mexican...like their nanny or maid. I urge you all to watch a Day without a Mexican (excellent film) and to also visit the website "Mexican Lust" (not from work though!!! Its an Adult Site.) I kid you not, if you have ever doubted the validity of hot Mexican Aztec goddesses you will quickly recant and apologize.


This being said, I hope you enjoyed your Cinco de Mayo and next time, in the words of Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter, "be joyous, not a jackass."



Live, Love, Mexican Lust



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6 comments:

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Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to say that the pics were photoshopped.

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Anonymous said...

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