Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Buy You a Drink? Are You Serious?

In 2007, the rumbling 808's and auto-tune infused lyrics of one T-Pain made the whole world simultaneously hop on the d*ck of an overweight crooner and collectively ask members of the opposite sex to "buy us a drink." While the song was definitely knockin and could be heard blasting nearly a year after its release, it still seemed odd that I would often find myself singing along mindlessly in hypocritical fashion. I have never bought a girl a drink, and most likely, never will.

When I say that I will never buy a girl a drink, I do not mean that upon our outing to Friendly's or Sonic she must go thirsty or drink the foulest of chain- restaurant tap water. What I mean to say, is that I will never buy a girl a DRAAAAAANK. An Alcoholic beverage. And I don't give a fu*k what these multi-million dollar rappers tell me I should do.

While at first this song seemed as harmless as Beyonce's urging single women to tell their man to "put a ring on it," I soon began realizing a sudden shift in attitudes. This attitudinal shift was not, however, attributed to women demanding that their own self worth be recognized via the rebirth of chivalry, but rather to Chickenheads who thought it was OK to come to a club with an $8.00 cover, with only $8.00 in their fake Louie purse. I'm sure many of you are laughing right now, but this is only because you know someone who fits this description. Whereas women were smart enough not to go dumping their men who couldn't afford (or didn't want to buy) engagement rings, at the urging of a high yellow heifer like Beyonce who could have any man she wants, they somehow fell victim to the false ideology preached by Faheem Najm...ahem...Mr. T-Pain.

While I have not yet figured out how to read womens' brains, I am quite sure that somewhere between T-Pain music leaving speakers and the auditory processing and signaling of neuron firing in the cerebellum, his computerized harmonic cadences were transformed into a monotone, zombie like voice proclaiming "Ladies. Leave your money at home. Men will Buy You Drinks and Food."

While this may be true for whores and morally loose uber-Chickenheads, it does not universally apply. This being said, it should also be noted that at this point, men are not buying you a drink, but rather bartering a 30 dollar tab for a piece of your body you can never get back. Ha! See...I told you've I've never "bought" a girl a drink.

These indisputable truths aside, I have 2 primary reasons I do not buy girls drinks...reasons which will undoubtedly persuade you to do the same. Sorry Ladies.

1. There are 3 Categories of Men Who Buy Women Drinks. I Do Not fit into any of these Categories.

Of the type of men who buy unknown females drinks in clubs, the worst by far is the man who will buy you a drink and then follow you around the club all night (whether dancing, hounding, or 'trying to get to know you.') Am I right ladies? All of you who agree with this should now shut the F**k up and hold your head in shame. If you didn't want the company of a 2-bit loser or aesthetically challenged individual, you should have bought your own damn drink. To this individual, that drink was a nine dollar investment. Would you buy nine Lotto tickets and not bother to check and see if you got lucky? Even better, a hood analogy...would you buy three white T's from footlocker for 9 dollars and then leave them at the bus stop assuming they'd be there when you come back in 3 hours? I think not. Point proven. Case Closed. Chickenhead.

The second type of man who buys girls drink can be referred to as "Tommy Tucker" (the neighborhood sucker) or Willie Lump-Lump (the neighborhood chump, who will probably end up with an STD for believing a girl who says shes clean enough to do without a rubber). In the end, these guys just don't know any better. Be it a desperate attempt for affection, companionship or a wife, this gesture, when made by a Willie Lump-Lump or Tommy Tucker is no more than a display of naivety. If you have no conscience ladies, feel free to use and abuse these benevolent individuals and then go home to you baby's daddy who beats you and uses your house to stash coke. Next proceed to b**ch and moan about how there are no good men in the world. LOL. Be warned, however, that aside from the effects of Bad Karma, a Tommy Tucker or two has been known to reach his wits end dealing with conniving Chickenheads, so don't be surprised if he slips some GHB (a Roofie) in your drink, or follows you home like old boy from the Player's Club (R.I.P Bernie Mac.)

The last type of drink buying individual is the Jim Jones-tastic, ballerific swag-arian who came there with a stack full of money burning a hole in his pocket. Feel free to use and abuse him, but remember...he has hustled his way to success (whether legally or illegally) and is therefore not stupid. Go ahead and play games with him and you may end up drinking on what you think is his tab, only to find out he has ditched you and are forced to max out your 500 dollar limit Rush card on glasses of Moet and Nuvo . You will then proceed to go back home and cry. While I don't agree with throwing around money to get women, I cannot knock anyone else's hustle. Fellas, just remember, if you attracted her by throwing around money, don't be surprised if she leaves when that well runs dry. Also...Ladies, if he's attracting you with money, don't be surprised when he offers to compensate you for oral copulation of all his homies or to 'make a movie.' If, however, you are into becoming an actress, or professional sword swallower, consider this your big break. Seize the day!

2. Strippers make 1 dollar at a time to do flips on a pole. Is your conversation 9X better than that?

As much as I hate to admit it, (who am I kidding, I love to admit it), I am a huge fan of strip clubs and the female body in general. Will I buy strippers drinks? Hell f**king yea. Not because I think they like me or will come home with me, but rater because they've been working hard and could probably stand to take a load off (no pun intended.) Would you let your football team go through an entire practice without a water break? I think not.

I believe in just compensation for a hard days work. This does not mean that I will give all my money to strippers, but does mean that at the very least, I am empathetic and feel that the system is simply unjust. Unjust as it is, I am just a mere human being. Who am I to go against the system or upset the natural order of the universe? In keeping with this idea, I think that the system of buying women drinks is unjust and consequently, I choose not to participate.

Strippers and exotic dancers work hard to stay in excellent shape, do flips, spins and sensuous slides down a pole for a dollar a pop. When they aren't being tipped, Dancers perform to the best of their ability. When they are being tipped (1-3 dollars) they spread, stretch and sometimes violently penetrate areas that you can only dream of being inside (despite the fact that you may, in the word's of Wah Gwan, "need a titanium condom dipped in bleach.") Now....You! Semi-attractive, broke woman at the bar. Do you honestly think I'm willing to pay 9 times as much for the slight possibility of seeing you spread your moderately cellulite-y legs in a drunken stupor, knowing the only acrobatic act you've performed was squeezing into your little sister's clothes?

Do you think you could possibly match the sexual elegance of a professional dancer? If you do, I have five simple words for you...

Lay off the Patron B***h.

Live, Love, Strippers.


1 comment:

MW said...

Your font size makes my eyes bleed.

That small procedural point aside, I would like to suggest---

No, that was seriously f*ckin big. It was like reading Willy Wonka's gigantic contract in reverse. Who the holy hell do you think you are, with your misogynistic ways and proud, font-raising braggadocio?

Anyway, to re-begin: The war of sexes, apparently, rages on with no abatement in clear sight, and in this work-a-day new-trash-song-a-minute world of ours, the bastions of Mandom and Womanity have apparently rallied around prominent black musical performers to be informed of each sex's latest strategem.

I, however, cry foul on both.

If we are to use your aforementioned T-Pain and Beyonce references as jumping-off points, then let us question:

Do either of this two rich f*cktards have their gender in mind, or is this some sinister plan of theirs to control the dating (or, f*cking) pool?

The latter.

If T-Pain attempts to make his listeners go broke by their having spent their paychecks on club goblins trolling for drinks, then he has both set up a paradigm in which men are assumed to be women's two-legged (or, three-legged if some rappers' boasting is to believed [half homo?]) ATMs, then sooner or later all but the idly richest of men will have access to women. And won't Mr. Faheem Najm be among that number?

And if Beyoncé urges women to demand that men put a ring on something, won't they clearly evoke the all-too-prevalent commitmentphobia within our nonfair sex? Furthermore, how can most men afford rings now that their money has been sunk in depreciated overhead, i.e. drinks for bar skanks? You, Ms. Knowles, are a slore of the worst kind: a self-righteous, seemingly empowering yet ultimately debased slattern. I cry shenanigans on your rhythmic malarky and accuse you and your fellow glitterati of collusive sex-hoarding.

It's not too late people! Wake up! Women don't need drinks or rings or any of that sh*t. All they need is some gentle reassurance and a good third-legging on a regular basis. But, which singer ever got far by telling anyone that?

...And yeah, keep your font size down. No need to show off to the 10- and 12-pointers among the rest of us (well, more of a 14, but hey who's measuring...?)

Shine on, super-★.