Thursday, May 7, 2009

Big Gyals Rule

This morning, as I hopped up out the bed and turned my swag on...just kidding. Let me start over.

As I stepped out of the shower this morning and onto my digital scale I noticed something alarming, but not at all unexpected. Upon returning from a five day gluttonous eating and drinking binge in St. Thomas, all the while skipping the gym and all forms of physical exercise, I have gained five pounds and am at my heaviest weight ever. While I can really give a rats ass about this, as I know I'll be back to normal once my regular regimen is resumed, it nevertheless caused me to ponder the subjects of weight, body types and the delightfully overweight cuties we commonly refer to as 'big girls.' As the theme of St. Thomas's 2009 carnival was "Big Gyals Rule," the infectious drone of the aforementioned song permeated the brains of all parade goers and innocent bystanders alike, leaving many to join in and proclaim the victory of the big girl over skinny b**ches. By the end of Carnival my gaze was shooting past pristine landscapes and the most beautiful of Island girls in search of something more "grand", as I could not help but concur with the melodious chant, as big girls, in fact, do rule...

Actually... Small Gals Rule Too! I Love this Pic. shout out to Frank, Vernon, Wah Gwan, Luke, Renata, Brandi , Erik and the whole Drink Truck Crew. Owwwwww.

As usual, I digress and must get back to the subject.

During the Renaissance period of the 16th century, larger women were considered attractive and coveted much more so than the quintessential skinny b***hes. Curvy waists and hips, alongside robust bosoms were considered the ideal, hence women squeezing themselves into corsets which minimized only the midsection and created a more pronounced hourglass (not coke bottle) figure. Shakespeare himself, appeared to be an ass & Ti**ie man, as in his late 16th century poem Venus & Adonis he describes her saying: "My Beauty as the spring doth yearly glow, my flesh is soft and plump, my marrow burning..." A fuller figure meant that you were not only suitable for bearing children, (or 'youts' as my Island folk would say), but also that you were eating good! That's right n***a. Since the beginning of time and now more so than ever. Big Gyals Rule.

In today's modern era, magazines like King, XXL, Maxim, Stuff and Playboy's Vixens, cater to this Victorian sense of beauty as the idea of Kate Moss thinness is becoming synonymous with anorexia. Yea, thats one wants a hoe who's so thin she could hula hoop with a cherio and hang glide on a Dorito (copyright: any yo mama joke from the 90's.) Enter the era of the thick white girl. Yeeeaaah (Lil John voice.)

All jokes aside, the male sexual appetite tends to hunger for girls appetite. Men like women "built for speed" as there is, in fact, "more cushion for the pushin" (Lol). For those who doubt my semi-complex analysis I offer this simple fact. Breasts, strong thighs and round bottoms are the unique qualities we admire in women viewed as universally desirable and described as perfect tens. Funny thing...these are the characteristics held by nearly all big girls. In fact, if you are a big girl without these characteristics, F**k your life. you suck. Just kidding. Big Gyals Rule.

This being said, Maritza Mendez is my new favorite woman on earth (Rosie Perez excluded.) I want to bathe her, then drink her bath water.


Pardon the interruption, I often get sidetracked by the photos when writing these blogs. In keeping this in mind, I have provided the following photo below in an effort to clarify one simple fact about big girls. I myself am a health nut (despite my addiction to beer) and will openly state that I love a fat girl that works out. The Biggest Loser, consequently, is one of my favorite shows to watch, and yea I sometimes get turned on (LOL). It is not, however, OK to be fat as a result of laziness or gluttony. That being prefaced, I'll take a pretty face over a skinny waste 10 times out of 10. Skinny girls don't get upset, I love yall too.

Below is an example of "not OK." Just because big gals rule does not mean that they are all sexy. What it means is that if you would be sexy skinny, you are most likely still sexy fat, despite Americas emphasis on the "size 4" ideal.

Big Gyal and Skinny dem Gyal alike, you must take care of yourself and embrace the fact that size 6 or size 12, you can be sexy (Mo'Nique excluded...Sorry J.) Think about it...we all liked Oprah better when she was fat and no one watches Tyra Bank's show despite the fact that she is a knockout (with a Star Trek Forehead). As long as you are well put together are good to go. Viva la Big Gal.

Live, Love, Plus size Pum

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