Friday, May 29, 2009

26: The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

Before I get into the daily foolishness of the day, I want to take care of a few housekeeping issues. Now that I have fully expanded my Blogging capabilities (i.e. am able to send Blogs via text message or email) I will be posting daily without fail. I got a message from a friend the other day stating that the "Bromance" Blog was one of the finest that he'd ever read, and that he'd appreciate it if I informed him whenever I Blogged about something good. My response to him was that all my blogs are good, but as some of you may have noticed...Mondays' are great. Try never to miss a Monday.

Also, while i realize that straying from your core competency is often the cause of many a great downfall (see: Kanye West's lovesick Emo Album, Michael Jordan Playing Baseball or Jessica Simpson trying to sound intelligent), I would like to take this Blog in new directions. I've already tried giving out cooking recipes and am experimenting with exercise tips and album reviews, but am open to any suggestions (no homo). I'd also appreciate you people LEAVING A COMMENT so that I know what's working and what's not... That is all. Let the blogging commence.

26: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

The Good

I am 26...not 27, not 25 1/2. What his means is that I am in the perfect position to live out all of my sexual desires at a time when, fortunately, my own sex drive is starting to decline. What I mean to say by this, is that at 26 your sexual and non-sexual lives have achieved a sort of balance. Sure you want to f**k migets, Milfs, Pregos and cougars, but you won't skip work to do so. You have bills and responsibilities. :) Remember, however, that there is no other time in life, other than now, (ages 24-28), where it is OK to sleep with a girl between the ages of 18 and 46 without being labeled a pervert. Any older and teenage co-eds will think you're creepy. Any younger and cougars will not take you seriously.

The Bad

Despite this whirlwind of sexual possibilities surrounding your mind, body and soul, you begin to sadly realize that you can't do the same sexual things you used to do in college. Be this a result of your sexual tastes becoming too twisted from watching too much Internet porn, or simply mother nature being a B**ch and hating on your labia craving libido, the end result is still the same. Take for instance the idea of the over-under club. For those of you not in 'The know', becoming a member of the over-under club entails sleeping with someone half your age and twice your age before you die (side note: No one under aged 36 should have their under unless you were 2 years old and they were 1). The key is to get your over as soon as possible. At 26, this would make her 52. This is still easily do-able, but gets exponentially harder each year. Look on the bright side're almost able to pull an under. For those of you saying "I already have," I'm calling Chris Hanson From Dateline NBC (To Catch a Predator) and the police. Moral of the story, hurry up and get your over...and when it comes to you under, unless you're 35+, keep your genes in your jeans.

The Ugly

The really ugly, nasty problem about being 26 is that you are basically still a college kid being ushered into the adult world full of horny married women and men with college (and high school) aged daughters. While hollering at middle aged cougars is completely acceptable, don't let them pass you around like a 2 dollar office whore and or girl-cum soaked magic bullet. Sleeping with married women, however, is not cool...unless they definitively know their husband is cheating and the two don't sleep together anyway. Even in this case, don't do it in his house (this is rude...he pays the bills), and definitely do not drink his beer out the fridge. You may get yourself killed. Even worse than this sticky (no homo) situation, is the dreaded "look at our family vacation pictures" convo where a middle aged co-worker or colleague thinks its a good idea to show you pics of his 19 year old daughter in a 2 piece bathing suit. While your initial response would be "yea I'd hit that", "do fries come with that shake" or "damn she's thicker than a swamp possum" in any other situation, IT IS NOT OK at work.

Also unacceptable, looking at prom pictures and thinking its OK to comment on the other girls just so long as its not the colleague's daughter. Cr-eepy. You f***ing pervert. Acceptable response include "Wow, I remember my Prom (no details)", "She's a senior already (not 'my how she's grown)", or "so where'd they host the Prom?" Then quickly change the subject.

Well, there you have it. The good, the bad and the ugly of age 26.

While this comedic outline has served the purpose of letting the young'ns know that adult life is not all good, it also shows that if navigated correctly, sailing through the sea of age 26 can be quite fun. Just don't miss the boat, and if you decide to get wet...always use a jib sheet.

Side note: Being 26 means that not only do you have the ability and means to partake in all the hedonistic craziness available, but that you're also still crazy enough to do it. This being said, ladies, no matter how much you love your man, don't marry him until he's at least 27.

Live, Love, Twenty-somethings



Anonymous said...

In keeping with your twenty somethings theme I figured I'd give the perspective of a 24 year old female.

The good: I'm legal. So take that you skanky highschool bitches. I have my own stuff and I can do whoever and whatever I want.
The bad: I'm not sure what I really want. Older men can pay the way, but gold digging is so 2005. Guys my own age are just getting established. They only have time for WoW, GTA, Internet porn, beer pong, their jobs, and bromances. Asking for a real relationship no matter how good things are, is like asking me to pick up the check. Dutch maybe...but if you expect me to shell out my money to have you take a ride with out giving me an orgasm, you are sadly mistaken. I'll pay once you've proven your better than the bullet.
The Ugly: For the first time you have to start thinking about your fertility. Yes it's fun to think there is an endless sea of cute ex frat boys just begging for a turn. But if you want a family ever(and you have any morals),you start to realize that sex no matter how exciting is meant for procreation. You're just as randy as when you were 18 (plus you know more moves) but you have less eggs and less patience for men who run when they hear the c word ( comittment for you phobes out there). That being said, the prospect of marriage at this age is scary, but no one wants to end up as the cat lady, on her 3rd round of invitro, using donor sperm, hoping for octuplets.

MW said...

I think this thematic template of good, bad, and ugly is pretty clever. It's all the beauty of a Top X list with a wonderfully sardonic end note.

I'm still waiting to get my "under", but I guess I'll have to wait until I'm 36? I did probably bathe naked with friends when I was 2... does that count? Hmm... Either way, I'm confident that I have conquered the "over" goal: man, being a college-aged man-slore was certainly an experience.

Also, "she's thicker than a swamp possum"? The possible aptness of this simile aside (I'm no denizen of the bayou), what a brilliant turn of phrase! Good work, you urban(-ish) wordsmith.

I have to wholeheartedly (and thankfully!) disagree with your assessment of mid-twenties sexual possibilities. If anything, experience is the best teacher, and internet porn is perhaps the substitute teacher. I'm sure you (and I, and others) know much more about sex now than we did as late-teenagers.

In fact, the very notion of losing sexual prowess or becoming sexually jaded as you age would ultimately negate the utility of an over-under club, no?

So, cougars of America: wear something slimming!; silver foxes with deeper pockets, take your Maalox and take Show out to dinner!

See you in the club!