Also, while i realize that straying from your core competency is often the cause of many a great downfall (see: Kanye West's lovesick Emo Album, Michael Jordan Playing Baseball or Jessica Simpson trying to sound intelligent), I would like to take this Blog in new directions. I've already tried giving out cooking recipes and am experimenting with exercise tips and album reviews, but am open to any suggestions (no homo). I'd also appreciate you people LEAVING A COMMENT so that I know what's working and what's not... That is all. Let the blogging commence.
26: The Good, The Bad and the Ugly
I am 26...not 27, not 25 1/2. What his means is that I am in the perfect position to live out all of my sexual desires at a time when, fortunately, my own sex drive is starting to decline. What I mean to say by this, is that at 26 your sexual and non-sexual lives have achieved a sort of balance. Sure you want to f**k migets, Milfs, Pregos and cougars, but you won't skip work to do so. You have bills and responsibilities. :) Remember, however, that there is no other time in life, other than now, (ages 24-28), where it is OK to sleep with a girl between the ages of 18 and 46 without being labeled a pervert. Any older and teenage co-eds will think you're creepy. Any younger and cougars will not take you seriously.
Despite this whirlwind of sexual possibilities surrounding your mind, body and soul, you begin to sadly realize that you can't do the same sexual things you used to do in college. Be this a result of your sexual tastes becoming too twisted from watching too much Internet porn, or simply mother nature being a B**ch and hating on your labia craving libido, the end result is still the same. Take for instance the idea of the over-under club. For those of you not in 'The know', becoming a member of the over-under club entails sleeping with someone half your age and twice your age before you die (side note: No one under aged 36 should have their under unless you were 2 years old and they were 1). The key is to get your over as soon as possible. At 26, this would make her 52. This is still easily do-able, but gets exponentially harder each year. Look on the bright side though...you're almost able to pull an under. For those of you saying "I already have," I'm calling Chris Hanson From Dateline NBC (To Catch a Predator) and the police. Moral of the story, hurry up and get your over...and when it comes to you under, unless you're 35+, keep your genes in your jeans.
The really ugly, nasty problem about being 26 is that you are basically still a college kid being ushered into the adult world full of horny married women and men with college (and high school) aged daughters. While hollering at middle aged cougars is completely acceptable, don't let them pass you around like a 2 dollar office whore and or girl-cum soaked magic bullet. Sleeping with married women, however, is not cool...unless they definitively know their husband is cheating and the two don't sleep together anyway. Even in this case, don't do it in his house (this is rude...he pays the bills), and definitely do not drink his beer out the fridge. You may get yourself killed. Even worse than this sticky (no homo) situation, is the dreaded "look at our family vacation pictures" convo where a middle aged co-worker or colleague thinks its a good idea to show you pics of his 19 year old daughter in a 2 piece bathing suit. While your initial response would be "yea I'd hit that", "do fries come with that shake" or "damn she's thicker than a swamp possum" in any other situation, IT IS NOT OK at work.
Also unacceptable, looking at prom pictures and thinking its OK to comment on the other girls just so long as its not the colleague's daughter. Cr-eepy. You f***ing pervert. Acceptable response include "Wow, I remember my Prom (no details)", "She's a senior already (not 'my how she's grown)", or "so where'd they host the Prom?" Then quickly change the subject.
Well, there you have it. The good, the bad and the ugly of age 26.
While this comedic outline has served the purpose of letting the young'ns know that adult life is not all good, it also shows that if navigated correctly, sailing through the sea of age 26 can be quite fun. Just don't miss the boat, and if you decide to get wet...always use a jib sheet.
Side note: Being 26 means that not only do you have the ability and means to partake in all the hedonistic craziness available, but that you're also still crazy enough to do it. This being said, ladies, no matter how much you love your man, don't marry him until he's at least 27.
Live, Love, Twenty-somethings