Tuesday, April 21, 2009

WJA3: "I can write a Rap album too!"

Despite being a black male between the age of 16 and 30, I'm not a rapper and never aspired to be a rapper. I know....its shameful. I still, however, consider myself somewhat of a hip hop expert and guarantee that if I ever got into the rap game, I could put out a 4 mic or better album (or is that XL album now that no one buys the Source anymore?) Despite my mediocre lyrics and lackluster flow (not that those things matter anymore....I'm looking at all you Shawty Lo fans) , my album would be loved by the critics based on one principle and one principle alone: album structure. With my infallible album structure, I would have critics and most fans fooled into thinking I'm the intelligent gangsta with a heart, which works time and time again (ie 2Pac, DMX, Ja Rule, Lil Wayne). Below you may find the formula:

1) Introduction: On the introduction, which will either have no background music or feature the best production on the album, which would be wasted cuz theres no rapping over it, I will speak on how I'm from the streets and I'm lucky to have made it out alive, but if a "n-word" wants to step to me, I would have no problem taking it to the gats if necessary. This would then be followed about 25 of my homies yelling unintelligible nonsense that everyone would assume to be cosigning. Examples: Mobb Deep - The Infamous Prelude, Nas - The Genesis .

2) The "My City is the Most Gangsta City" Song: This song lets all my predominantly Caucasian listeners know that if they walk down my block, they would be raped, murdered, and raped again before they reached the corner. Examples: Nas - NY State of Mind, Jay-Z - Where I'm From.

3) The "Growing up in the Ghetto" Song: This song lets all my predominantly Caucasian listeners know that it was hard growing up in the ghetto detailed in song #2. Of course, growing up, the local drug dealer was my hero as thats the only way to make money in the hood besides becoming a professional basketball player or a rap star. Examples : Naughty by Nature - Ghetto Bastard, Nas - Memory Lane.

4) The "Club Banger" Song: This song isn't particularly about anything, but the Neptunes or Timbaland or one of them "n-words" produced it, so it rocks the party.Examples: Snoop Dogg - Drop it Like it's Hot, Shawty Lo - Dey Know.

5-10) The "Typical Rap Songs": These are the songs where I detail my career of dealing drugs, killing n-words, smashing broads, and smoking weed....sometimes doing 2 or 3 of these at the same time. Guest appearances from more established rappers are welcome.Examples: Too many to name

11) The "Get All My Less Talented Homies on the Track" Song: This will be the worst song on the album, but I would have to follow up on the promise of putting my homies on after I made it big. Of course if any of them are lucky enough to get a solo album deal, I will end up getting more points on their album than they will. It's just business baby.Examples: The USDA album, the P$C album, Te St. Lunatics, G-Unit....

12) The "Detail all the Types of Girls I'm Willing to Smash" Song: The 2nd single. This song details pretty much all the types of girls I'm down to smash when I'm on tour....sort of like setting up the menu of the groupies before getting to the ho restaurant. Of course, the entire song is a lie as if given the choice, I'm smashing the groupie with the longest weave and fairest skin every time. Examples: Jay-Z - Girls Girls Girls, Young Money - Every Girl.

13) The "We Should Respect Our Women" Song: These hoes are not just our f-pieces, they're also our baby-mommas. Examples: 2Pac - Keep Your Head Up

14) Another Song Dedicated to the Hoes: This song would be a blend of Track #4 and Track #12, where the theme of the song is them shaking their booty to the beat before going back to the telly to commit a lewd sex act. Examples: Mystikal - Shake It Fast, Tony Yayo - So Seductive .

15) The Song Dedicated to Mama: Despite the fact, she's a recovering alcoholic and she kicked me out the house at age 14, a song would have to be dedicated to only woman I respect and love. Examples: 2Pac - Dear Mama, Jay-Z - December 4th.

16) Outro: This would be the longest track on the album, running at about 15 min as I would have to give a shout out to all the homies, all the homies' homies, and all my cousins. & of course, I would have to thank God, the big homie himself, who made it all possible for me to make this album full of misogony, violence, and other criminal acts.


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