Tuesday, April 28, 2009

There are vacation spots other than South Beach Damnit!

As I sit in an apartment in the Lower East Side drinking Hennessey Privilege out of a giant Beer stein, I begin to ponder the meaning of life...Just kidding. I am actually pondering whether or not I will somehow manage to contract the Swine flu or pig AIDS from a morally loose Island Girl during my trip to St. Thomas which officially began about three hours ago. While I've only managed to make it to New York and am not even fully packed, I consider the vacation as having started due to the fact that I am already in vacation mode.

Contrary to popular belief, I do not bring up the subject of my upcoming vacation in an attempt to brag or show off, but rather to transition into a short blurb on the topic of vacations. In recent history I have been to a variety of different countries (some of which allowed for the legal profession of prostitution), and realized that while my vacations were undoubtedly fun and memorable, they were missing something...

While I am not one to constantly dwell on the subject of race, I could not help but notice that I am usually the only black person in my vacation convoy. This is not to say that I have no black friends, (I'm from the hood son!), or that my African American friends are broke (these mutha f***as have money to pop over expensive bottles of Moet and Nuvo every week) but rather that I refuse to go anywhere with people who don't tip!!! Just kidding. The real reason my melanin toned friends choose to miss out on sailing in Greece, brothels in St. Martin or all night parties in Vegas are that ni**as refuse to go anywhere other than South Beach (on memorial day weekend) or Myrtle Beach (during Bike week). Yes, I said it damnit! Also...just as a public service announcement...Ni**as, go get f**kin passports!!

Why is it that every black person decides to go to Miami Beach during this same weekend, and then acts surprised when they get there and 85% of the people are wannabe ballers from the East Coast who saved up their rent money to buy bottles. Now don't get me wrong, I am not pretending that I have never done the same...but I'm just saying....

For those of you who think I am making blanket statements about an entire race, I urge you to read the comment section after this post. This being said, I also urge any minority female aged 16-34 who considers herself a dime piece (extremely attractive female) to affirm, via post, the fact that you have never been to South Beach on Memorial day weekend! HA! You can't do it. don't worry though ma, I wont tell anyone what you had to do to get free VIP access to the club without buying bottles. Trust me though, what happens in Miami beach definitely does not stay in Miami beach and most likely ends up on youtube, myspace and a myriad of Hood DVDs. Silly chickenheads, Miami Beach is for kids. Get some stamps in your passport.

Fellas, you are officially not off the hook and are just as bad as your chickenhead girlfriends. While Myrtle beach has nice weather and the women are definitely top notch within the Chickenhead spectrum, it is not OK to go to bike week without a bike. This act in and of itself officially makes you a cornball...a herb...an L 7 square. while I myself do not have a bike (dirtbike excluded), I find it utterly disgusting that a bikeless poser would even want to scavenge the leftover bike whores willing to f**k anyone with a bike, and once intoxicated, those without. I know it is hard to believe, but some women actually live for and countdown the days until bike week...trust me, I know them! While occasionally banging a second tier Target hoe may not be the worst entry on the "things I've done when no one was looking" list, it is definitely not permissible. It is in fact deplorable to sleep with a woman who's life ambition is to take myspace pictures on the back of someones bike, and the highlight of who's life was senior prom. Leave the biker girls to the biker boys and dare to be different. Take a chance on a girl which may actually be worth bringing to Ihop in public and switch up your vacation swagger. Your conscience and self dignity will thank you for it in the future.

See ya in a few, I've got a plane to catch.


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2 comments:

Elissa said...

I've never been to South Beach! i have a passport and i have stamps in it too! I'm sure some question my race though!

Alexzander said...

LMAO!