Tuesday, April 28, 2009

"Puertoricans & Midgets: They both have Fat A$$es"

Well folks, I'm back at it again, attempting to focus as I ready myself for a Blog-worthy, debauchery filled vacation in St. Thomas with my boy 'Wah Gwan Anwa' aka DJ Alpha. Needless to say, the Jouvert festival marks the beginning of Carnival on Thursday, and the nappy headed Blogster will be "in full effect" (copyright, anyone from the 1980's).

And now, onto more serious business....

As I crawled out of bed this morning and lethargically made my way to the computer, clicking off pop-up widow's of last night's Bridget the midget 'films', I could not help but think of how hypocritical people are towards "little people," often giving them the proverbial "short end of the stick." While many an educated female will quickly and unabashedly denounce racism, sexism or any other form of intolerance, the idea of a man doing a "little" bump and grind with a midget or dwarf is seen in her eyes as repulsive or disgusting. This, however, is not a surprise to me as I have been aware of one simple fact for the past few years; opposites attract haters. In the same way that skinny women hate on men who prefer big beautiful women, I have seen black men hate on black women who date white men. Short people hate on tall people, dark-skinned people hate on light skinned people and poor people hate on the affluent. This, my friends, is just the way of the world and an unavoidable consequence of the myriad of cultures and demographic factors blending in the giant mixing bowl we call America.

This being said, I take great pleasure in offending any tall woman with a flat a$$ and lack of an accent, as I indulge in the synergism produced by two of my favorite things:

"Puertoricans and Midgets: They both have fat a$$es."

In an effort to show that I do have a point to all of this apparent gibberish regarding, midgets, dwarfs and fat a$$es (aka Fatties or Donks), I am going to tell you something that most of you will not believe. I saw a girl a few months ago who was more beautiful than Eva Mendez, despite their striking similarities...and she was a midget. While some still find this hard to believe, I can honestly say that despite being half her size and equally beautiful, the mini-mendez would be my top choice due to the perfectly sculpted Gluteus Maximus, which, unlike some of those "Donks" out there, was not lose or jiggly but rather shapely, round and crafted of pure muscle (sort of like a pit bull.) Ladies, do not think that midgets are half the woman you are as one of them may steal your man, and never underestimate the power of a Donk.

While at the time I was at a loss for words, I quickly phoned one of my best friends to tell them the news. Knowing my affection for midgets, Puertorican girls and Eva Mendez, they immediately chastised me for not 'hollering at her' (slang for intentionally beginning a flirtatious courtship). While I explained that I was simply in sheer and utter awe and could not think of the words to say, I could only imagine how bad that conversation could've went....

Show: What's up shorty...I mean, Ma...

Mini Mendez: Ha,ha. Real funny jerk.

Show: I'm sorry. That came out wrong. What I meant to say was hello. Do I know you from somewhere? (like Little people Big World, or the Land of Oz--in my own head)

Mini Mendez: Maybe...I'm from Fitch and Blake St.

Show: Me too. Small world...Sh*t, I mean...nice to finally meet you.

Mini Mendez: Likewise

Show: I couldn't help but notice your exotic look...I see Latina of some sort (your ass says it all, plus you smell like Sazon and your finger tips are orange--in my head) , but can't tell exactly what...are you Puertorican?

Mini Mendez: Half.

Show: LMAO.

Mini Mendez: Asshole. I'm leaving.

With this imaginary discourse going on in my head its no wonder that I didn't have the nerve to approach my half Puertorican, midget dream girl. While it seems hypocritical, given the lighthearted and comedic nature which I use to tackle any subject, I really do think that in my trying to holla at Ms. Mendez, (with a group of people around at the Bus Stop), I may have actually offended her or led her to believe that it was some sort of joke. Now this is not to say that she is not used to people of my caliber approaching her because she is any way inferior, but rather because I do not know how to holla at a midget, the same as I would not know how to holla at an Amish girl, aside from saying "nice buggy.....hey, my house has electricity, wanna see?" In the end, I guess I'm the one who lost out due to my own ignorance and at the risk of making my blog sound like a Jerry Springer's Final Thought, I can safely say that I've been doing my research and educating myself so as to never miss out on an opportunity. The next time I see a Puertorican midget I will say all the right things and sweep her and that fatty off of her little feet. I've even been learning Braille because hey....you never know.

Live, Love, Life.....Because life is shorter than a midget's mini-skirt.

Shorty "Show" Rocka

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I can only imagine that when you refer to your love of puerto rican women with big butts you mean all beautiful latinas with fatties. Tahiry specifically comes to mind as one fat a$$ on a non-puerto rican. i'm just saying...
-Concerned non-puerto rican