Thursday, April 30, 2009

It's 9am, WHY CAN'T I HAVE A BEER?!

At the risk of sounding ignorant and inappropriately labeling a U.S territory a third world country I am going to say 'what kind of pigeon john, chicken george place doesn’t have internet?!' Wait, I stand corrected, internet exists, we just don’t have it. That being said, I am in an airport text blogging just because I refuse to deprive you of my beautifully eloquent ignorance.
With my ability to stay connected via the world wide web compromised, I will have to keep this short and sweet, concisely speaking of all the things I love...

Rosie Perez, Latina midgets and Guinness. That is all.
Just kidding.

There is no way in hell that I’m walking out of this Airport sober without blogging about my distaste for the New York law that prohibits airport bars from opening prior to ten am. WTF son! Wait, am I allowed to say that and still sound tough? Whatev. Lol. What f'ing genius was not smart enough to realize that alcohol is an essential part of any vacation and that, aside from catching your flight, the concept of time does not exist in airports! People sleep during afternoon layovers, eat hotdogs for breakfast and drink beer with their breakfast , when permissible, all because it doesn’t matter! I know it’s 9 am but 'hoe! Give me my fuckin brew!’ Sorry for cussin.

Now that my midmorning rant is complete I am free to comment on a cornucopia of other Airport BS which only makes arriving at your destination that much better. Let me start by saying Airport Security is nonsense. Thank you f' ing Taliban shoe and belt bombers for f' ing it up for everybody. I obviously do not have a bomb in my Jordans and yet I still have to take them off. F*ckers!

Despite me being upset about these trivial matters, I have not only decided to not let my vacation be ruined, but to earn myself some good Karma, albiet via a big booty mexican. While this may seem paradoxical, it is indeed true. While sitting next to a non-midget big booty latina on her way to Houston, I offered to help her with her bags, only to find out she didn’t speak english. Needless to say I spent the next hour of the flight fantasizing about letting my unborn children flow all over her 2 gold teeth, yet ended the day translating for her and getting her to the appropriate gate. For those of you still doubting my intentions, I also helped an old Jamaican woman get to her flight. P.S. I didn’t want to f-ck her.

Live, love , Fly.
Show

10 comments:

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