Thursday, April 16, 2009

Hoes Make Me Sick: Munchausen by Proxy

Once upon a time I was a full time student and frat boy, praying to God for extra hours in the day to both study and get drunk simultaneously. One undergraduate and two Masters degrees later I am fresh out of things to pretend to study and have decided to make the world a better, more comical place by Blogging. Yeah that's right, I'm Blogging. Son. (Extra emphasis to make it sound hard).

Rather than take on the guise of some Internet nerd, (which I completely feel like right now, typing and drinking Sam Adams Cherry Wheat), I am going to keep it 100 with you in saying that many moons ago I was labeled as what some would consider a man whore. While I have since progressed past this stage, it would be a complete and utter farce to pretend that I do not deal with my fair share of women, all of which brings me to the conclusion that hoes f**king make me sick.

Please, do not get it f**ked up America. I am or have been good friends with many a stripper, prostitute or morally lose girl, all of whom take pride in the fact that they are what they are, but are not hoes. When I use the term hoe, I am referring to women who have no home training, act like Chickenheads in public, do not realize that they are acting like Chickenheads in public and copulate with everyone and their cousin Jamal, all the while thinking that this is normal behavior. Golddiggers and white women who will date any black man, so long as he is black and has a name like Jamal, this does not apply to you. Members of the aforementioned groups , however, do not feel as though you have been granted amnesty, you will have your own separate Blogs in due time.

Being a Hoe, in my opinion, is worse than prostitution, golddigging and even some crimes classified as felonies. By sharing your body with ever Tom, Dick and Harry, (emphasis on Tom, he's a shady M'fer), and not even receiving monetary compensation, you are not only giving away something which you can never get back, but are also auctioning away God's Fillet Mignon for the price of a free school lunch (without the little container of apple juice which is always f**king frozen). In addition to this, sleeping with everyone not only creates a cornucopia of new STD strains, like that new Super AIDS sh*t, but it also pisses us men off. For instance, if I spend 420 dollars (including shipping) for a Louis Vuitton Belt, 62 Dollars plus sales tax (unless purchased online) for an Ed Hardy T-shirt and 3 dollars and 15 cents from Wendy's 99 Cent Menu buying you lunch, the fact that you can later go and sleep with someone wearing fake True Religion Jeans and an over sized button up from Kohls is not only disrespectful, it's just plain rude. While this may seem vain at first glance, it is something which has gone through every man's head at some point in his life. In the same way that low quality, imitation goods cheapen the image of the brand, sleeping with high quantities of low quality individuals makes you look like a 2 dollar whore, only far less intelligent, as in the end, you don't even have two dollars.

This being said, I am going to wrap this up as this is getting long and I need a Cherry Wheat. In short, I just want to say, ladies, the world is not as small as you think it is. Contrarily, the world is quite large, vast and all encompassing. What this means, is that if I have been intimate with you and am friends with 2 or more people with whom you have also been intimate, you are absolutely, positively a hoe. Do not take this case to trial with a public defender or Johnny Cochran as you will undoubtedly be found guilty in the Court of Hoe Law. There is no exception to the rule and no explanation for said behavior. Court adjourned.

As the age old adage states, "you cannot turn a hoe into a housewife" and no one is going to try. Women, girls, and old ladies, if you do not respect your bodies enough to safeguard them against swagless impostors wearing bootleg goods, at least respect yourself enough to charge them more than they paid for their cheap outfit. Please take heed as we do not want to see you on Maury, and trust me , we all Tivo that sh*t while we are at work.

Live, Love Life.




Anonymous said...

The one to the right has a nice rack.

Anonymous said...

Loving the hamburger guy.

MW said...
This comment has been removed by the author.