For those of you unfamiliar with urban vernacular or the esoteric dialect we often refer to as slang, "having a pass" refers to a sort of indemnity, making it permissible for someone to commit a certain act, be in a certain place or say a particular thing without fear of judgement or repercussion. For example, someone who was born in an affluent neighborhood, yet chose to hang out in dilapidated urban communities, learning their customs and donating to the impoverished masses can be said to have a "hood pass."
In similar fashion, Puertoricans, due to their Taino ancestry and history of slavery and discrimination similar to those of African descent have somehow managed to procure a pass to use the "N-word." Whether I truly understand or agree with this is a moot point, as it does not change the fact that it is true or that puertorican women are sexy enough to allow us to not really care. White people, I regret to inform you, that if you believe that somehow you have secured one of these passes, I hope you look extremely latino, or will undoubtedly piss off someone...somewhere. LOL. Don't get upset.
Now that the introductions and niceties are out of the way, I am proud to make everyone's Monday morning a little brighter with yet another new post dedicated to those people who have undeservedly come in possession of a' pass' :
"Your pass has been revoked....all five of you."
#5: Amy Winehouse
While I am not one to pigeonhole or quickly label someone as "acting black" (whatever that means), I can undoubtedly say that part of the allure of Amy Winehouse was her strong and soulful voice reminiscent of powerful black songstresses such as Eta James (if you don't know who she is, ask an old person or check Wikipedia.) This being said, a pass was bestowed upon Miss Winehouse as we actually became quite fond of her...tattoos and all. When it came down to it, Miss Winehouse's propensity for smoking Newports (the official hood cigarette or 'bogie'), frequent bouts of alcoholism and occasional drug use were all just part of her charm as we the people had no problem handing her the "Soulful Songstress Pass", deeming her fit to evoke comparison to all powerful singers (pronounced Sang-ahs) and oftentimes representing the African American singing and songwriting community (despite her not being black...minor detail.) This being said, any Black person (with the exception of Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston) will tell you that IT IS NOT OK TO SMOKE CRACK. You're making us look bad Ma, your pass has been revoked!
#4: Erica Badu
Since we are on the topic of singers, let's talk about everyones favorite headwrap wearing Nubian princess...Miss Badu. While labeled as neo soul and placed in a category with other so called 'righteous' musicians who oppose drinking, do not do drugs other than weed and sport natural hairstyles, Ms. Badu is anything but a neo-hippie rastafarian urban mystic. What many people may not know, is that Ms. badu has 3 different rapper baby daddies, who if all nominated for grammys, would be in completely seperate hip hop categories (Gangsta, Conscious and living legends). Popping out seeds from Andre 3000 (affiliation: Outkast), the D.O.C (affiliation NWA), and Jay Electronica (Afilliation: Nas, Kanye West), not to mention a highly publicized relationship with Common (who was smart enough to wrap it up tighter than a Dominican Doobie...google it), Erica Badu is absolutely, positively a hoe. Now I am not saying she cannot be a conscious hoe...but righteous she is not. Hey, headwrap hoe...your pass has been revoked.
#3: Carmen Electra
Since we are on the topic of hoes, why not talk about one of our favorite throwbacks (Older woman called so do to the reference to older "throwback" sports jerseys). While typically, a woman of Ms. Electra's age (around 37) gets a pass simply for being a super stunning, ultra cougar vixen, she has run through more male celebrities than even a woman of her age is allowed the liberty of doing. What makes her offense most shameful, is that she could not even stick to one race, genre or gender (sort of). Having knocked boots with NBA star and all around wierdo Dennis Rodman, White rap / rocker Fred Durst, Mexican Rapper B-real (of Cyprus Hill) , Rob Patterson (of Korn), Dave Navarro of the Red Hot Chili Peppers and even Prince, I cannot call this opportunistic skeezer anything but. Prince! Really? Yes Ms. Electra, in the words of Riley from the Boondocks "you a hoe."
Your pass has been revoked.
#2 :DJ Khaled
I am going to keep this blurb short, and offer a synopsis of the situation of in three short sentences. DJ Khaled is annoying. DJ Khaled uses the N-word entirely too much. DJ Khaled is not Black.
While the aforementioned sentences should be reason enough to snatch Mr. Khaleds pass, I find it quite comical that his real name is actually Khaled Khaled (yes, that's his government name), and he is Arab (not half Arab like Jim Jones...DJ Khaled is 100%). As if this was not enough fuel for the comedic fire, I think it should also be noted that DJ Khaled received his pass to say the "N- word" from none other than Fat Joe...a Puertorican rapper. Go figure. DJ Khaled, you are not the best, and your pass has been revoked. Fat Joe, keep it up and we'll take yours too!
#1: Rosa Parks
Now hold on before you all start yelling at me. I love Rosa Parks and all that she has done for our beautiful black race, despite the fact that I no longer ride the bus (I'm ridin' Rims homie...I know unnecessary). I am going to keep this 100% respectful and not use the "B" or "N" word for the entire paragraph, and simply say that it was not ok for Rosa Parks to sue Outkast over that song "Rosa Parks". The song had no objectionable material at all! Rosa Parks, your....nah. I just can't do it. You are the mother of the civil rights movement and one of the most prominent citizens of the twentieth century. We love you Rosa. You'll forever get a pass.
Live, Love, Freedom.....
Show aka Martin Luther Bling