Monday, April 27, 2009

Blame It On The A-A-A-A-A-Alcohol!

Every year on my birthday I learn something new, without fail, that may or may not have any bearing on the rest of my life, and usually involve me being SAUCY. I also tend to pee in the street, but that’s just a coincidence. I think. A few examples:

21: The drunker I get, the better my fake Jamaican accent. Side effect: loss of ability to remember faces (I already knew about the good decisions part)

22: There’s no way to gracefully spill your drink on a big pair of titties

24: Patron and Hennessy DO NOT mix well. Hey, sometimes you gotta experiment.

26: Red Sox fans are the scum of the Earth, Jaegermeister is the DEVIL, and ALWAYS HAVE A WHITE FRIEND WITH YOU.

Before Jaeger

After Jaeger

So the part about Sox fans is a prejudice I’ve harbored for most of my two years living in the Boston area, but it was confirmed this past Friday at a bar to remain unnamed where I had been celebrating my birthday. Long story short (or skipping to the good part, rather), the time is like 1:30am and I’m clearly bent, cuz it’s my birthday, dammit. I find myself in a lively but fairly civil discussion with a bouncer about baseball, and about how Red Sox fans are more obnoxious than Yankee fans (but f*** the Yankees too).

Mid-convo, and quite unnecessarily, I get yoked up by this big ass bouncer-sized cop (who happened to be black) and carried out the bar and onto the street. Now as a black man I know that resisting the cops is stupid, so I go limp and wait for Debo (as he’ll be referred to heretofore) to put me down, and I think two things:

#1: Well this is unnecessary

#2: OK, we’re out the bar, put me down. OK, we’re on the sidewalk, put me down. OK, we’re just on the street now, C’MON!

This last bit is what prompts me quickly transitioning from the abiding citizen I had been to the social miscreant I was to become. Because you see, if I had been acting like a douche bag while I was in there, I would’ve just thought, “you right, you right, I had that coming.” But now I’ve been unjustly removed FROM MY OWN BIRTHDAY PARTY and I’m pissed. Granted, I was probably about to leave anyway within 5 minutes but I mean damn, can I go out on my own terms?

So now I go into my drunken version of nonviolent protest. I doubt Dr. King would’ve been proud.

Step 1: Pull out the dick and start peeing in the street (I know you were waiting for it), while staring at club security, to show them what you think of them.

Step 2: Yell at Debo and repeatedly call him whatever you think will hurt him worst at the moment at the top of your lungs.

Step 3: When Debo follows you down the street and threatens to f*** me up, become very polite because his arms look like horse thighs.

Step 4: Never really feel in danger, because you have a white friend with you who speaks and acts very professionally at all times (Big-Up to Toronto D, you’re a king!)

A small portion of the conversation went something like this:

Debo: You’re about to have a bad night.

C4: What are you talking about?

Debo (to Toronto D): You better calm your boy down or he’ll be in for a rough one

C4: I got no beef with you man

Debo: Oh yeah? Just a minute ago I was a b**** a$$ n****. What you got to say now? B**** a$$ what?

C4: That was in the past. (Sike I ain’t say that last one but I should have. I actually just went, “Well, you know…”)

Debo: You do that again I’m gonna f*** you up.

C4: You right, you right, I had that coming.

So after all the tough cop clich├ęs were out of the way and Toronto D promised Debo I wouldn’t be pulling my dick out again that evening, we hopped in a cab and went home. SOMEHOW nobody got hurt or arrested. By nobody I mean myself. To Debo’s credit, he gave me a lot of opportunities to save myself. I took the 7th.

Naaaah. I’m sure it’s because I had a white friend with me.


To Your Door,



Alexzander said...

That being said, you should also thank Carton for the time he brought you home from the frat bathroom where you fell asleep. Case in point mr C4...Never leave home without them.

slim said...

Works both ways....C4, I dont think you were around that night (or in the vicinity) but I got to give my thanks to Mr. Showrocka for saving me from being raped in a club in a man.

Dread-locked Black Man....don't leave home with out em'