Sunday, April 26, 2009

5 things to do while not drinking beer that are inherently worse.

Well folks, the weekend is almost over and what that means for many is the start of the dreaded work week and 9 to five grind. For me however, it means that 1.) more people will be reading my blog, as they are bored at work, and 2.) all my creative energies will be stifled for at least 7 hours a day, the time during which I must work without access to Sam Adam's Cherry Wheat, Guinness or Blue Moon. Nevertheless, I welcome the adventure which comes with every 'mixed emotion Monday', as I'm glad to see another day on this beautiful planet (no homo.)

A few weeks ago, as many of you may know, I was on a strict dietary regimen where the word "alcohol" was temporarily banished from my vocabulary. 45 days of no booze seemed like a good idea until about 15 days into the experiment when my leg started shaking uncontrollably. While I did make it 21 days, or a full three weeks, before calling it quits, I realized that I was quitting not because i simply could not give up alcohol, but rather because my new habits were undoubtedly much worse than the former. This being said, I strongly advocate the usage of Beer for therapeutic and medicinal purposes, but in the event that this delectable brew or nectar of the gods does not tickle your fancy or placate your Epicurean palate, I offer the following list:

5 things to do while not drinking beer that are inherently worse.

# 5: Replace Beer with Soda

In drinking about 6-10 beers on any given weekend and approximately 1 every night during the week, I thought that I may have a 'bad habit' which could eventually turn into a 'problem.' Once that statement actually managed to come out of my lips, I was actually relieved, as a person who is not in denial cannot be an early stage alcoholic. Phew. Mini crisis evaded.

With this revelation made, I still decided to go forward with the 'no drinking project' as I figured it'd be good to give my body a break, allow it to detox, and get my beach body ready for vacation in St. Thomas. Bad idea. In giving up the approximately 15 beers consumed in a week I managed to begin drinking 3 cans of Coca-Cola each day, 2 of them before 10:00 am. As if this daily over-consumption of caffeine was not enough, I would sometimes awake in the middle of the night dying of thirst and guessed it....a Vanilla Coke. While better than developing an actual coke habit, this potential switch is bad, bad,bad. Bad for your wallet, bad for your health and bad for your R.E.M sleep cycles. Take my advice and deep 6 the coke (no homo.)

#4: Watching too much porn

While indulging in the aesthetic pleasure of porn is no problem in and of itself, it begins to become one when it begins to interfere with everyday activities. When you begin to masturbate more than a horny teenager at home on a snow day, despite the fact that you have a girlfriend, wife or significant other, you, my friend, have gone too far. While not officially a creep, unless of course you own a trench coat and hang at parks, you should probably curb your enthusiasm (no pun intended...OK, i lied) and save yourself some clean socks. If you decide, however, not to take heed to my advice, I leave you with the following recommendations. Only use clean socks, be sure to do enough laundry so that you still have some to wear to work (or that could get gross), do not attempt to re-create anything you've seen on facial / Latina abuse or any fetish site, and be sure to take advantage of youporn, xtube and redtube.

#3: Taking all of your old leftover prescription drugs

While they were prescribed to you, it is completely not OK to take old prescription drugs prescribed to you for various ailments. While taking other peoples prescriptions is undoubtedly much worse, this is the first step towards a slippery slope of drug addiction (true story). While definitely bad for your financial health, as prescription drugs cost more than a six pack and some street drugs, these things are also terrible for your stomach. In the end, there's no point of trading your beer belly for a six pack if your insides are so f**ked up you can't even eat drink and be merry (like J. Blige...Come on, you caught the reference). Exceptions to this rule include Vicodin, Percocet, Oxycodon, and everyones favorite purple cough serum. LOL.

#2: Starting an intense exercise regimen coupled with Hydroxycut Hardcore

This is a disgusting and horrible idea. With a daily dosage of up to 3 pills which each contain as much caffeine as 3 cups of coffee each, your heart simply cannot sustain this type of strain. Be the effects truly magnificent or psychosomatic, depending on who you ask, nothing which leads to incessant headaches, uncontrollable shaking and nausea can be even 1% good for you. Sorry Hydroxy cut, but Anheiser Busch gets the nod on this one here, as beer has never given me any symptom other than fatigue, satiation and bliss. As with anything, try not to over-indulge on the Heinekens and Coronas and you'll be fine. Switching to Guinness will actually save you calories, as Guinness has about 128 calories and 10g of carbs, reminiscent of most light beers. ;)

#1: Saving money

I'm am absolutely sure that a few of you think I'm crazy for saying that saving money is worse for you than drinking beer, but hold on...let me explain. In saving money, the first thing most people do is decide what it actually is that they are saving for. In working off this premise, we often tend to save for things way beyond our reach, i.e expensive vacations, diamond jewelry and all things Louie Vuittion. This is not inherently a bad thing until one realizes that the modest amount of money spent by ditching the occasional six pack and avoiding friends attempts to lure you to bars and clubs, does not nearly give you the buying power to acquire any of these things. What this leads to is an attempt to purchase these items on Ebay or at local flea markets and or Swap meets. Don't Do it!!! I also would not suggest going into debt for a purse or pair of shoes, but will highly recommend it over securing fraudulent, counterfeit or bootleg goods. In the end, using the two hundred saved dollars, mixed with 600 from your savings, to buy an expensive piece of designer clothing is outright foolish, and I can say that I have never done anything that foolish while drinking beer. Side note: In not drinking for 21 days I became the owner of 3 pairs of sneakers (1 Prada) as well as a 5 Kt Diamond Bracelet. Yea...its definitely cheaper to go to happy hour.

Enjoy your Sunday.

Live, Love, Hey-Zeus.


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