Friday, April 17, 2009

12 Celebs You'd Bang If No One knew (Pt 2)

First off I want to start off by professing my Undying Love for Rosie Perez.

Ok, now that that is out of the way, I would like everyone to know a few things before i get into the second part of this 2 part blog series. Despite your comments or requests, there is no way in hell I am adding Oprah, Missy, Star Jones or Mo'Nique to this list! A few memorable stars which should have, yet did not make the list are Celia Cruz (god bless the dead with her Swagger like none other, ) and Gloria Estefan (with her Sexy 52 year old Cuban ass). Due to the trade embargo with Cuba, and respect for women well into menopause, I was forced to remove these entries. Miley. Maybe Next year.

Here are, as promised, the remaining entries in my series:

# 6 Monica Lewinsky

While a little bit outdated and out of the public spotlight, we love Moni because she was pleasantly plump, articulate and well versed….Just kidding. We subconsciously became enamored with Ms. Lewinsky because she knew just how to put her money where her mouth is. As if this alone was not enough, this Lewinsky Chickenhead also took the money shot like a paintball pellet and wore it like an accoutrement or Purple Heart! People may say what they will about this woman and the hygiene habits which allowed a semen stained dress to remain unwashed for months, but cannot deny the fact that this lewd act, in and of itself, was indubitably gangsta. In the end, this fact, combined with her being responsible for the most famous Presidential Head Shot since John Wilks Booth, means our little chubette Monica would probably give Karrine Steffans a run for her money. F**k Super-head….Presidential head sounds way better. Sorry Hillary. We’d rather do Moni-Baby.

# 5 Rachel Ray
Let me begin my justification for this one by saying shorty can cook. Nice lips, great legs and a cute face combine to make Ms. Ray one hell of a stimulus package (funny shaped tetas being ignored). While this one tends to appear fat one week and slim the next, we really don’t give a f**k. This hottie has got a body (see FHM photo shoot), and even though you may not admit to watching her show on the regular, you’d eat a little Ramen a la Rachel Ray.

# 4 Bridget “The Midget” Powers

Three foot ten inches with a fatty, and an appetite for…..well…..destruction. If you don’t know who she is, you are a loser and do not own a computer. As a matter of fact, you should probably stop reading my blog from your friend’s laptop and go watch Brokeback Mountain. Though it sounds a bit strange, this Goth looking mini-slut is 80 lbs of pure dynamite and although typing this next sentence will probably ensure my one way ticket to hell, I can honestly say I’d marry this chick if I could get past the disgusting midget titties and slightly down-syndromish head. Ok, the destruction is done and what has been said has been said…but shhhhh…don’t tell anybody.

# 3 Raven Symone

At5’3” and 210 lbs, little Olivia is all grown up, and God is it repulsive that I can even say that. I can’t believe I watched her on TV as a baby and now want to bump uglies with her. I am going to stop before I make myself vomit. I will however say that to describe this full figured vixen as juicy would be an understatement. Hell yea I’ll say it. I watch 'That’s so Raven' and want to bang Raven Symone. Its not like I said Rosie O’Donnel.

# 2 Anna Nicole Smith (The Fat One)

I’m sure that you’ve noticed the trend of cute, chubby girls as we near the top spot. This, to any logical person, should not seem paradoxical as any girl who was cute and not chubby would not need to be hidden from our friends and locked into our own subconscious. This brings me to our next fine female specimen. The words Playboy and Playmate should be enough to solidify her as a top "hump her, dump her and hide her" candidate on anyone’s list. Keep it 100. You would have f**ked her in 1993 when she won Playmate of the Year, and you would have still banged her when she had her television show in 2002 (for those of you thinking of banging her in 2009 you are just plain sick and should be arrested). 224 lbs with 39 DD’s, this one is a no brainer.

#1 Nadya “Octomom” Sulleman

Lets be honest. There is something to say about a woman who can pop out 14 kids (8 at one time). Ms. Octomom (and yes, she has trademarked the name, no lie) can most likely take it like a champ. A sexy, hot, sweaty, moaning champ. Not only does this hottie look like a working man’s Angelina Jolie, she’s got the sass and attitude to match. Buying Mac lipstick and wearing Chanel shades while the house is getting foreclosed on only enhances my suspicion that she might be kind of hood as well, a trait which is definitely sexy. Keep doing your thing ma, you’re the top of the tops. Vivid has actually offered her 1 million to do an adult film, so obviously, I’m not the first one to pop wood while watching this “super baby mamma.” I know some people are mad I have written this, but f**k it. We love you Octomom and want to bang your Octopussy brains out.

Live, Love, Rice & Beans.


James said...

While I have to question the authenticity of the Racheal Ray photo, best believe I'd trade her a 30 minute meal for a 15 minute ying any day of the week!!!!

Anonymous said...

I'm not happy where rachel ray falls at she is way hotter than the midget and ms that so raven and anna is dead ur wrong lol it would be a toss up with the octomom think about how open she is u would fall in lol ms ray is number one -dezo

Anonymous said...

I'd bang all those chicks except the midget, Dog's hoe, and Ivy queen. I'd even update my facebook status after I did it. Rachael's rump had to of been photo shopped but she'd get it first with her tennis ball titties! Amy Winehouse should at least get an honorary mention!
Tim A. Shanga