Friday, April 17, 2009

12 Celebs You'd Bang If No One knew (Pt 1)

In an effort to keep from being labeled as a ‘Hater’ or having this Blog tagged as gloomy, depressing or ‘Emo’, (if you don’t know the term, find a white person or Google it), I am choosing to eliminate all of my hateful energy and dedicate this post to a subset of women who I truly, utterly and unconditionally love…pseudo-hot celebrities.

Since my early childhood days fawning after Wilma Flintstone, ogling Judy Jetson and wishing I could get into that Robot Vicki (from Small Wonder)’s computer box ,(pun intended), it has been evident that television and the air of celebrity transforms otherwise average looking Chickenheads into silver screen starlets and vixens lusted after by every heterosexual male, albeit in secret. This being said, I embrace my carnal desires and unadulterated love for the Topangas (think Boy Meets World), Laura Winslows and DJ Tanners of the world. While tastes may mature and a myriad of celebrity vixens are constantly swapped in and out of our sexual fantasies, one thing is undeniably sure; America loves an average looking, slightly overweight celebrity sexpot, though they’d seldom admit it.

Love it or hate it, below is my carefully compiled list:

Top 12 Celebrities You Would Sleep With to If No One Were to Find Out.(Part 1) ”

# 12 Celine Dion:

While not bad for a forty-something French Canadian, an attempt must be made to ignore the uber-shnoz she has come to call a nose and the long horse like face. Body is a little lanky, with man hands, but overall she has an athletic sexiness to her, reminiscent of one of those pro beach volleyball Chickenheads. While you’d definitely get clowned for admitting she’s somewhat sexy, you’d definitely be able to get aroused every time that Titanic song came on, thinking about her beautiful…..ummmm…voice. Owwwww.

# 11 Kim Coles

Maaaaaaaan, you know Overton wasn’t hittin that right. I know, she’s a little on the hefty side, but sheeeeeeit……I won’t tell if you don’t tell. C’mon! Keep it 100 America, you were thinking the same thing!

# 10 Ivy Queen

So some say the 37 year old Regeton singer looks like a man and has a voice as deep as DMX after a crack binge. I say Grrrrrrrr, get at me dog (to Ivy of course, not Dark Man X). Honey’s got a body like a Playboy Playmate and a gangsta grill. Even though you’d get more respect from your boys by saying “that b**ch looks like Rupaul,” I simply say “you better work it girl” (no homo). Pa la cama voy.

# 9 America Ferrera

While I know a few of you are saying “how could she make this list, she’s beautiful?” To those of you I say, quit believing what US Weekly and the caucasain editors of Teen people tell you a latina girl should look like. Look at the Spanish Channel, real women have curves, but some of them are also super hot size 4’s. While sexy as hell, (I’d even love to pleasure her while in the Ugly Betty costume), she is what we call a Hamburgler…a few too many chicken Mcnuggets past the tipping point. Nevertheless, America loves you America. I wouldn’t podcast it to the world, but I’d hit that.

# 8 Kirstie Alley

This chick kind of reminds me of Paula Abdul, but in a good way. Something about her parading that fatty around on those Weight Watchers commercials is just plain sexy. What? Don’t act like you have never fantasized while watching the Biggest Loser. I’d deny this one till the end, but definitely wouldn’t mind milking that heifer and making mashed potatoes out of those lovely lady lumps. I apologize if you are utterly disgusted and offended. Just kidding.

# 7 Beth Chapman (Dog the Bounty Hunters Wife)

Oh yes…I said it! And can hear the hate brewing as we speak. Tell me that you have not ever stared at her chest and I will quit Blogging, and go home to read a book. Let’s be honest, we all love the guilty pleasure of watching that god awful show of hillbilly bounty hunters just to catch a glance of those heavy hangers but would never tell anyone. Well, thanks to the pseudo-anonymity of the internet, the truth can finally come out. Did anyone see the episode when Christian Audigier made her the custom cut-up shirt. Ok. I am done as I have begun to salivate.

To be Continued...

And yea, I may have spelled some celebs names wrong...So What! I'm not Perez F**kin Hilton.


Nick said...


Great blog but lets be honest you would sleep w/ all those women even with Slish in the same room let alone never finding out.


MW said...

Kirstie Alley? Really? Have a glance here, friend!:

P.S. It's spelled PARIS F**kin Hilton. Google that sh*t! ...Wait a sec...

MW said...

Here is the link I tried to send

Anonymous said...

funny stuff man...its Hop from Penn...think u could handle that Raven Symone' weight? lol